Every so often life has a habit of throwing us a curve ball.  This could be in the shape of a prolonged illness; the death of someone close; losing a job; the end of a relationship; the list goes on and on.  

Often at these times we resort to “survival mode” – we do whatever has to be done in the moment and just try to keep putting one foot in front of the other to survive.  It’s normal.

But what happens next?  How do you move forward when there’s been a lot of changes in your life and you’re not even sure which way is forward anymore?  It’s not a simple process and please don’t hear me saying that it is.  But somehow we need to work out how to respond to life in these situations and make the most of this life we have, whatever shape we’re in.

Twenty years ago I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.  I had no idea what it was, but at the time, I was just relieved to have a name for it.  I had been living with debilitating fatigue for about a year, most days I ended up spending in bed, which wasn’t easy as I had a baby and a 3 yo at home at the time.  I remember the Pain Specialist that I saw after being diagnosed saying to me, “The good news is you won’t die from it, the bad news is that there’s no cure”.  I was pretty relieved to hear the first part!  The latter part didn’t sink in until later.

Life has changed and I have learned to live with this illness – although in all honesty, I should say I’m still learning to live with this illness.  (I was hesitant to even share about my illness, because I know of others so much worse than me.)  I wish I could say that there was some simple answer; some easy cure or programme that makes it easier to live with lifes challenges.  I’ve certainly found some great courses that have helped mentally, (I’ll share about them another time), but I still find myself trying to answer the question “how do I live with fibromyalgia?”

Recently someone close to me passed away after a five-year battle with motor neurones disease.  Tears rise, even as I write this, as I think of the incredible way this person lived with this horrible, debilitating illness.  He seemed to accept his illness, while not giving in to it.  As the disease progressed and he was more incapacitated, he learned to adapt to this new limitation and seemingly not let it get him down.  (These weren’t little things of course.  I’m talking about losing the use of your legs; having to have food through a stomach tube, instead of enjoying the flavour in your mouth – something he loved greatly!!)

Don’t get me wrong.  He was human.  I’m sure he struggled and at times you could see it in his eyes, but that wasn’t all there was to him.  He didn’t lose who he was to the mnd, even though it destroyed his body.  Even when he couldn’t speak anymore, he would greet everyone with a warm, glowing smile.  You could see him in that smile, even when his body didn’t look the same.

We all have this same capacity to choose how we will respond to our circumstances.  Often, we don’t feel like we have a choice.  “How can I possibly smile when my body is aching?” Or “How can I keep on going to work or being civil to people when I’ve lost someone close to me?”  Of course, we need to allow ourselves to go through grief and adjustment- it will take time.  But know that there is still a life for you to live.

I recently saw the movie “Me Before You”.  (Spoiler alert if you haven’t seen it!!)  It was so lovely to see how this bubbly, often inept, young woman helped the young quadriplegic man to smile and enter into life again.  But I felt so sad that he couldn’t find a way to continue living.  He wanted life to be what it was before his accident and wouldn’t adapt to his current situation.

At one level I understand – who wants to be completely paralyzed.  But at another, this life is what we have.  We’ve been given this time and this moment.   At times, life does ask us to adapt and we will often need other’s help to do this, but that’s okay.  We were never meant to live this life in isolation.  We need each other to live life to the fullest we can – whatever our circumstances.

Never doubt that even when all we have left to give is a smile, the impact of that smile on others can literally change lives.  If you can smile, and in that smile, connect with me, with all that life has thrown at you, then I know that I can face with dignity and hope, whatever life challenges me with.  I know that I have something to offer others whatever shape I’m in.

Have you ever dreamed of being greater than you currently are?  Someone that others look up to and notice whenever you walk in the room?  Someone that leaps buildings in a single bound or wins the heart of a Prince?  Okay, maybe the last ones are more like a fantasy than a dream, but you get the idea.

Over the past five years I have longed to do something greater with my life.  To be someone better than I currently am.  Someone that gives more to others and achieves something big.  But every time I think about how to move forward, it’s like my feet are locked in cement and I can’t move anywhere. 

Usually, there are one of three things stops me from moving forward.  I wonder if they stop you too and how you would overcome them?

1. The past.

Never underestimate the power of feelings or thoughts from your past.  They will stop you like nothing else can.

Have you ever said these words to yourself: “This feels familiar?  I’ve been here before”.  Or maybe you’ve had an experience, like me, where the rug you’re standing on has been pulled out from under you?  And while you’re flat on your back, you wonder, “How did I get here again!” 

Something I’ve learnt the hard way, is that more often than not, it’s me that’s pulling the rug out from under myself!  I know that sounds really stupid, but I can assure you it’s true.  Sometimes old feelings of uncertainty or fear rise and stop me dead in my tracks and if I’m not really careful, they do trip me up and take me back to other times when I haven’t done so well.  (What might happen if I do this?  Will I get laughed at again, or told I’m stupid to even consider doing this?  Will I end up making an even bigger fool of myself than I have in the past?)

Our feelings don’t always tell us the truth about ourselves.  Sure there are times when we get afraid and its right to be.  If you’re standing in a dark alley at 2 am and hear footsteps coming your way.  It’s a good thing to let your “fight or flight” instincts kick into gear as you look around you.  Or maybe you’re walking through a forest and come face to face with a snake dangling down from one of the trees.  These are times when it is right to be intensely alert and ready to run or act defensively.  But there are other times when those feelings of fear or foreboding arise and we need to stop and check whether or not we need to listen to them!  Can you really trust these feelings?  Or do they come from a time when you were younger and not as mature?

I know that might sound strange to some of you, but let me explain further.  For some people, the feelings of excitement and expectation can quickly overwhelm them and they end up backing off from what they were about to do.  In an instant the feelings move from positive expectations to fear, trepidation and uncertainty.  If we listen to those feelings, we’re not going to get where we want to.

We need to learn to stop and identify the feelings and ask ourselves, “is what I’m feeling valid?” or “are these feelings coming from the past?”

Sometimes we need to get somebody else’s perspective…someone we trust, who will be honest with us about what’s happening.  Often they can see more clearly what is going on because they’re not overwhelmed with a multitude of feelings.

Once we can see the feelings for what they are, we can choose what happens next.  We don’t have to stay stuck in the cement!

Another thing that stops us is…

2. Not having clear goals

Have you ever heard someone say “I just want to do something” but it soon becomes clear that they have no idea what that something is?  You can almost guarantee that they won’t get anywhere because they don’t have a goal to move towards.

There’s a quote I heard when I did some training that still haunts me today.

“Those that don’t have goals end up working for those that do”.  Isn’t that true?

Without goals we end up following someone else’s direction, or worse, we just go around in circles – quite literally.

So, we need to make sure we have clear steps to move forward.  Even if we don’t have that final destination confirmed, we will need to have some of the steps clear to be able to move at all.  For example:  I’ve wanted to start a small business for some time now.  The only problem is, I didn’t really know what business I wanted to do.  I had a few crazy ideas, but I soon saw they wouldn’t be realistic and looked for other directions. It became clear I needed to do some brainstorming and ask myself some questions about what I enjoy doing and what I could see myself doing in the future, etc. Slowly, but surely, a picture of what I could do started to emerge and I’m in the process of starting that business today.  But it took me much ages to get to this point.  As in point one, if I’d asked for help from others to see what was stopping me and how unrealistic my first few ideas were, I might not have taken as long as I did to get started.  

3. Not having realistic expectations  can pull us up in our tracks quickly.

The third thing that might stop us moving forward is reaching for the stars, when the moon is actually more realistic – to start with anyway.

This is a tricky one because sometimes we do have to think big and reach for the stars – but then we need to work out what is possible.  I recently read the story about a young man in Malawi who built a windmill and was able to provide electricity and water for his whole community that was severely struggling from the effects of drought. How did he do it?  By reading library books and using whatever materials he could find.  In reading the books, he could see how it could be done and set about achieving his goal by using what he found lying around.

So what are realistic expectations?  It really depends on what you are wanting to do.  Again, you may need others help in seeing what is realistic – or finding other ways of going about getting resources or moving forward.  Sometimes you need to be patient.  It may take a bit longer than you had hoped, but making sure that you take all the necessary steps means that you are much more likely to reach your goal.

Don’t let the past stop you from doing what you really want to do.  Set yourself some clear, realistic steps to reach your goal and don’t be afraid to ask for help from others who are better planners than you – they can often assist you in seeing the best path to take.

So, where would you like to see yourself in a year from now?  What will it take you to get there?

What’s stopping you?

Why does anyone need to plan a day off?  Surely you just veg out and do nothing!

Well, to be totally honest with you, I find days off can be very challenging, especially when nothing has been planned out.  I have a free day in front of me and, more often than not, I get to the end of it feeling frustrated because I’ve wasted the day!  I don’t feel relaxed, satisfied or peaceful. Why is that?  Why can’t I just enjoy it?

Mostly, it’s because I can’t get over the feeling that “there’s something I should be doing”.

There’s a huge list somewhere in my head of all the things that “I should be doing” – around home or for other people.  Or the things I’d love to do “if only I had time”.  Invariably, these things pop up in my mind when I think about a day off.

I’ve found I can get past these frustrating feelings by focusing my mind on other things.  A good book that grabs me can take my mind off anything; watching the latest episode of a favourite show or catching up on news on Facebook, emails, etc. can help, but over time I’ve learnt the best way to have a day off is to plan it.

“Isn’t a day off supposed to be time where you don’t plan?” I hear you ask.  Great question and all credit to you if you can do it.  If you’re one of those people who can go with the flow and relax without any structure at all – enjoy it.  I envy you.

I know in the long run I need to work on the feelings.  To let go of them; acknowledge they’re often from the past and  I can’t always trust them.  And guess what?  I don’t want to live in the past.  I want to live in the present.  And right now, I need a day off.  So I’ll plan to do a few things that will help me to relax – things that are totally different to every other day of the week.

Here’s a few of the things I love to plan to do on my day off:

1. Enjoy a relaxing brunch out…   I love going to a local cafe and having brunch with my husband. Maybe we’ll take a book to read; or talk; or just relax and watch the world around us.  Sometimes, I just go out for a cuppa by myself and do the same!
2. Guilt-free breakfast in bed…   Make breakfast and take it back to bed and read a good book. There’s nothing like it.  I have a few favourite authors that make reading a gift.
3. Potter…   I love to do a few simple things around home. Usually, its things that have been “bugging me” – that need to be done, but I haven’t had the time!  (eg cleaning up my bedside table; getting rid of the pile of papers on the kitchen bench, etc) There’s something satisfying about achieving something on my day off.  It doesn’t have to be anything major.  Just getting a couple of things out of the way is so pleasing.  (Last week I cleaned out 2 shelves of the pantry and I felt great.  It felt so good to do something I’ve been wanting to get to for ages!  I stopped myself from doing it all though – it is a day off after all.  The next couple of shelves can wait until next week!)
4. Enjoy the outdoors…   On a hot summer’s evening, I love to take dinner down by the beach to sit and eat, or, if that’s too hard, just eat it on the back deck.
5. Watch a DVD…   There are so many good movies around.  It’s usually not too difficult to find something that suits my mood.
6. Go browsing…   Browse around a shop that interests me. I try not to have anything specific in mind, but just enjoy the diversity and creativity in the store.  I can always file away ideas for birthdays or Christmas!
7. Go for a drive …   Drive somewhere that you love.  I love driving through the nearby mountain ranges. I tend to do this if someone else is driving as I find driving tiring.  But I love being the passenger and sitting back enjoying the scenery.

What would you like to do on your next day off?  By just allowing yourself to dream about it for a few minutes you can feel like have a mini vacation in the middle of a busy day!

Enjoy your day off!

You know that moment when regardless of what’s been happening in your life, you see something beautiful, or somebody says something silly and you can’t help but smile?  It’s almost like the smile starts deep inside you and by the time it’s reached your face, there’s a lightness about your body that wasn’t there earlier.  That’s a real smile. 

My Dad had what we used to call a “wicked” smile.  You’d see it on his face and wonder what was going on in that mind of his!  It was a sign that something had caught his attention and made him want to laugh.  Sometimes it was a memory that popped back up to amuse him.

I was the brunt of one of these memories not long ago.  When my broader family gets together on Christmas day we participate in a Kris Kringle, where everyone buys a present for their same gender, wraps it up and puts it in the middle of the circle.  Now, this isn’t just an ordinary Kris Kringle – this is kamikaze!  One by one we go around the circle and each person chooses a present, opens it and decides whether to keep it or to swap it with one that someone has already opened!  Its lots of fun.

This particular year, I had bought a “chip and dip bowl”, wrapped it and put it in middle.  You know the sort of bowl…largish with a smaller bowl attached for the dip to go in.  Well, it wasn’t long before my Dad (I’m sure he started it) got the giggles, because he thought the bowl looked more like something that belonged in a hospital – a bed pan!!!  We were all in hysterics for ages – my Dad especially.  I’ve yet to live down buying that bowl and it still brings a smile, if not a good laugh at family gatherings.

There’s something so good about moments like that.  It can feel like the weight of the world leaves you for a while and you can just laugh at life, in all its silliness!

Scientists tell us that smiling actually releases endorphins and serotonin.  This is just like a natural pain-killer.  It is known to release stress, as well as raise self-esteem.  All from a smile!  Can you believe that?

There are other times when a smile appears because you see something wonderful.  For me, it’s the mountains.  I just love to look up at the mountains.  It’s like everything comes back into perspective!  I’m so small compared to the mountains.  The beauty and creativity I see refreshes me and makes me smile without my even thinking about it.

What makes you smile?  A sunrise or sunset?  Watching a baby or toddler move around and discover things? A funny movie? Being with friends…

We need to find those things and make sure they are regularly a part of our lives.

I try to smile at people I pass on my way to work.  I say try, because it is easier to do with some people than it is with others!  But more often than not, a smile is returned.  It may be tentative, even uncertain to start with, but it is a smile.  Maybe by helping someone else smile, just for a moment, we’re relieving some of the stress in their lives…let alone what we’re doing for ourselves by smiling at them.  Isn’t that worth doing?

“You’ll find that life is still worthwhile, If you just smile”

from the song Smile by Charlie Chaplin, takes on a new meaning.