How do you respond when somebody asks you how you are? Do you answer honestly and tell people the truth about yourself – physically and emotionally?  Or do you just turn on automatic response mode and say, “I’m fine”?

There are lots of rituals around greetings that sometimes we only become aware of “in the moment”.

In Australia, it’s a part of our greeting to say “G’day, how are ya?” – or other similar versions!   We ask a question, but to be honest, we really don’t expect an in-depth response – in fact, you’ll put most of us to sleep if you tell us in more than two words how you really are!  It’s not that we’re being rude – well, most of the time, anyway – it’s just that we use that greeting of g’day to get a sense of the person we’re talking to.   Aussies will ask again if they really want to know how you are!

For some of us, we don’t have many opportunities to share how we’re going.  It’s strange, isn’t it?  Often, we’re surrounded by people, but we can’t share what’s going on for us.  There’s lots of reasons why we don’t:

• we might not feel safe enough to share;
• we’re not sure that others will listen;
• we’re so busy doing other things we don’t talk about our own lives – on and on the list, goes.

Somewhere we need to find someone who will listen; someone who will care about what is happening for us and will give us the space we need to share a little of our world.  Without this, we can become very isolated and lonely; we can allow our feelings to overtake us and end up depressed.

Okay, so why am I going on about this seemingly little question?  Because I believe it can change lives.  Let me show you what I mean.

Have you ever had a lousy day – you know the sort I mean – where you’re feeling down, lonely, frustrated…; and then someone asks you how you’re going and after just a few minutes of sharing a little bit of yourself (and it only takes a little), you feel like a completely different person?  You end up feeling content and okay with where you are.  That’s a dramatic change, don’t you think?  From one-minute feeling depressed and lonely, to the next feeling positive and cared for.

This has happened to me on numerous occasions.  I’m one of those “feelings” people.  Feelings can easily trip me up and rule my life if I let them.  I’m very conscious of what’s going on inside of me and this can lead me down a spiral of despair if I let it.  Sometimes, I can be spiralling down this pathway without even realizing it.

But all that it takes to stop this free fall is having one person connect with me.  One person who wants to see me and listen; ask how I am and really want to know.  Straight away, I’m drawn outside of myself to answer the question.  I need to look at myself to find the answer and as I do that another part of me comes alive.  It’s the part of me that can see clearly and help disperse the fog I’ve been living in!

I wonder how many people’s lives would be turned around if we made the time to stop and try to connect – even for a short time.  Sure, there’s a risk in asking.  I don’t deny that.  Some people will just tell us to “get lost” in no uncertain terms.  But that’s their problem.  Their defences are so strong, they don’t want anybody getting near them.  But it’s worth the risk of being rejected, to help our friends and family know they are seen and ultimately, that they’re okay!   I don’t say that lightly.  I know it can hurt to be rejected, but aren’t those around us important enough to us that we risk that feeling of hurt?

You never know… by allowing someone a little of your time and giving them the space to explore themselves, you are giving a precious gift that just might save their life!

Can you believe that we’re on the runway to Christmas again?

Of course, the shops have been trying to get us excited and into “buying action” for a month or two now!  But, it seems we need to face the reality that Christmas is almost here again.

I don’t know if it’s the same for you, but I find it’s too easy for me to get so caught up in “everything Christmas” that by the time Christmas Day arrives, it’s hard to get excited about anything!  (I’m sounding more like the Grinch every year!!)

If my daughter had her way, our house would be covered in fairy lights from top to bottom with a Christmas tree in every room!  She is a true connoisseur of this season.

Having said that, I really do love Christmas, but I know that I need to make choices about how I prepare for it, so that I can enjoy Christmas instead of being overwhelmed by all the hype around it.

Here are six things that I like to do to help get make my Christmas wonderful:

1. I enjoy starting my Christmas shopping early, and do it bit by bit, so that I’m not rushing around in the last week trying to find lots of gifts.

2. Find some time every few days to sit down and listen to your favourite Christmas music – not what’s playing on repeat in the shops!! What’s your favourite Christmas music?  If you could stop right now and listen to anything, what would you choose?  (I must confess, I’d put just about anything on to stop the tune of “Have a Holly Jolly Christmas” going around and around in my head!) Some Michael Buble music would go down well for me.  Or even Relient K.

3. Make something to give to others. It doesn’t have to be complicated – but make it fun for you to do.  I’m a bit of a “crafty” person, so I enjoy getting a bit creative around this time of year.  Last year, I found a fun Christmas sleigh made with chocolate bars and candy sticks all stuck together that I enjoyed making and giving to others in a small group I’m involved in.  I’ve already started checking out Pinterest for ideas this year!

4. Read the Christmas story to your family or just to yourself to remind yourself what this season is all about. Even if you’re don’t have a faith, it’s good to remember that this season is all about love and giving to others.

5. By the time we get to Christmas Eve, I try to have most things ready. Our family has started a tradition where we go out for Chinese on Christmas Eve and then come home and watch Carols by Candlelight (and wrap any last-minute gifts).  It’s almost a preparation to slow down a little and enjoy each other’s company.  It’s so nice not to have to cook and clean up!

6. Christmas Day is all about family and friends (especially those who don’t have anyone to spend the day with). Over the years we’ve had different ones come and spend part or all day with us.  It’s been special to have them as part of our family.

What do you do to help yourself celebrate Christmas and not get overwhelmed with all the hype?  I’d love to read your ideas in the comments.

Have a wonderful Christmas season!

When was the last time you heard yourself, or someone else say something like “I don’t know where the time has gone – it’s just flown by”.   

We all know that time hasn’t gone any faster!  We’ve just been so busy or preoccupied with other things that we haven’t stopped and noticed how time is passing.

Time must be a popular topic if the number of songs that talk about it is any measure!

“If you’re lost and you look – and you will find me.  Time after time….”

“If I could save time in a bottle…”

“Rock around the clock…”

“Oh, oh, oh for the longest time…”

“By the time I get to Phoenix…”

And on the list, goes.

I don’t know about you, but I like to forget about the fact that we all only have a certain amount of time to live our lives and just get on with living.  I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not!

But one thing I do know is that it’s important to be present in each moment that we have, because time is limited.

If we’re not present in the circumstances and lives we are in now, we miss experiencing our own life.

I know this might sound a bit stupid – of course we want to experience our lives!!  But how many of us spent most of our time worried about what might happen in the next minutes, hours or days?  Or how many of us can’t let go of the past and those things that caused us pain; or can’t let go of the loved ones that aren’t with us anymore?

It’s not bad to remember or to plan for the future, but the question is how good are we at living in the present?

If you were to rate yourself on how well you live in the present using a scale from 1 to 10; 1 being bad and 10 being excellent; where would you put yourself on the scale?

Are you present when your little one is speaking to you, even when you have no idea what they’re trying to say?

Are you present when your friend is telling you what life is like for them and how they’re struggling?

Are you present when your partner is telling you about their promotion and how great it is to be appreciated at work?

How present are you when your grandmother tells you about her youth and all she got up to?

We can be so busy DOING everything we think we have to do, that we miss BEING the person we are, and we miss BEING WITH those around us on this journey.

As we come up to Christmas, it can feel like the past months have been a blur.  The bad news is – it usually gets busier!

So how do we live in each moment?  Here’s a few things that might help:

1. Stop whatever you’re doing and look around you. Whenever you think of it, stop what you’re doing and thinking and look at the people you are with and remember why you are with them.  If you’re on your own, enjoy the moment and remember why you’re doing what you are.  If you think, I want things to be different, that’s okay, but acknowledge where you are now.

2. When you can, sit down in a comfortable chair, close your eyes for a minute and allow yourself to slowly and steadily breathe in and out.  In and out.  Make sure your shoulders are relaxed and your neck isn’t too tense.  Gently roll your head around in circles.  Slowly and gently.  After a minute or two, slowly open your eyes and look at where you are.  See the colours, the shapes and the beauty.  Hear the sounds around you.  Are they noisy or distant and soft?

3. Acknowledge your feelings and choose whether to allow them to control you now. We can make choices about whether to stop and dwell on them now, or whether to move on and come back to it later.  At times it can seem that our feelings control us, but we can choose how much we allow those feelings to affect us in any moment.  Name the feeling: “I’m feeling tired”, “I’m feeling sad”, “I’m feeling happy”.

If feelings keep rising unexpectedly and leave you confused it might be good to journal about it or speak to a counsellor about what’s behind it.

How will you live in the time you have today? 

What are you like at letting go?

It seems that all through our lives we are forever “letting go” of things, people, places, dreams, and the list goes on and on.  I must confess that I don’t find letting go easy.  Do you?

When our kids were younger, I felt like I was forever having to “let go” of something in their lives, so they could take the next steps and move on.

Being a parent really is about helping these little babies you’ve been entrusted with, grow away from you and become healthy, independent people.

Now, let’s be honest here.  That isn’t always simple!!  This little baby that you brought into the world and fed; kept clean (sometimes!); tried to put to sleep an endless number of times (despite them having other ideas!); etc. – this little baby grows up and, doesn’t need you!  At least you know you’ve done your job well if they’ve become independent human beings.  But it sucks!  Well, for a while, anyway – until we can adjust to the new stage of their development and the changes it brings in our relationship with them.

They can be sad moments when we look back and see what turned out to be the last time we did things:  the last time I fed them; or took them to kindergarten, playgroup, primary school, etc. – the list goes on and on.  It’s normal to grieve a little, but we, like them, must learn to let go and move on.

But it doesn’t stop with children, does it?  There are times we need to say goodbye to people and “let them go” away from us.  Sometimes our friends, or relatives move away, and we won’t see them nearly as often as we used to.

How we respond to this change can significantly affect our ongoing relationship with them.

If we can acknowledge the grief that comes with the change, but still accept the situation and try and find a new footing for the relationship, it can still be a special one.

I love it when I get together with someone I haven’t seen in years and we can just pick up with where we left off and go on from there.  There isn’t any “emotional baggage” to have to try and work through because we didn’t handle their leaving very well.  We can greet each other like the friends we are and connect as we always have.

At other times we need to let go of people permanently.  When a loved one; parent; friend or someone close to us passes away, we have to let go of the relationship we had with them.  The grief can be overwhelming – depending on the situation.  It’s coming up to three years since my Dad passed away.  His passing wasn’t completely unexpected, but it was difficult for lots of reasons.  This type of letting go is painful because it’s so permanent.  How we handle someone close to us dying is going to be important because if we don’t handle it well, it can affect us for years to come.

Please don’t hear me saying that this is simple, it isn’t at all and sometimes the suddenness of it or the cruelty of their passing can add to the distressing nature of it.  What I am saying though, is that we can choose to work through the situation in a healthy way or we can allow ourselves to be stuck in, what feels like a never-ending cycle of emotion.

I was walking through the shops today and saw a man who reminded me of my Dad.  Straight away a wave of grief washed over me.  It’s what we do next that is important.  In that moment, I was able to say to myself, “I miss you, Dad”.  A deep sigh rose up inside and I smiled, remembering who he was to me and my family.  I then moved on.

Can I encourage you when you are facing a time of “letting go” to work on these 3 things?

1. NAME THE FEELING THAT RISES WITHIN YOU. Often there’s a feeling that rises within us, even before we’re aware of anything else.  Is it grief, anger, frustration, powerlessness, ……?  Find a word that describes the feeling you have.  Sometimes you might even need to use a couple because one word just doesn’t do it!  Name it.  Say it to yourself or write it down.

2. SAY THE WORDS THAT YOU WANT TO SAY. Sometimes it’s not easy to find the words.  For me, it was saying “I miss you, Dad”.  Depending on your situation it might be:
   1. I don’t want you to go
   2. I’m angry that you’re leaving me.
   3. I don’t want you to grow up so quickly!!
   4. I love you and want you to stay with me.

On and on the list, could go.  Just try and find the words that say what you’re feeling.

3. REMEMBER WHO THEY WERE TO YOU BEFORE THE CHANGE AND, WHERE APPROPRIATE, WHO THEY ARE NOW. Instead of just staying in that emotion, remember a time when you were together, enjoying what you were doing.  Isn’t that how you’d like to remember someone that’s passed away – as you were together in the good times?  If it’s someone that’s moved or changed, do the same thing – remember a special time you had together and allow that to be your focus.

As we’re able to do this, there’s a much greater chance that we can “pick up where we left of” the next time we’re together or move on with our own lives.  Each situation can be different.

I encourage you if you’re stuck and can’t seem to move forward, seek some help.  Find a counsellor you can talk to.  You might find you’re able to move forward more easily and quickly if you do.

I had one of those enlightening moments the other day, when it was like a light bulb literally turned on above my head.  You know those times when the words “oh, now I get it!” just come pouring out as you’ve realized something new and different.

Let’s be honest, sometimes these moments come at the end of a period of what seems like torture, when we’re the last person in the room who seems to understand what is going on or being said.  The joke that doesn’t seem funny; the puzzle that you just can’t get your mind around; or even a story that everyone else is raving about, but you don’t get.   (I must confess, this is becoming more and more common with my kids at present.  They do speak a different language, don’t they?  I know it’s English, but I don’t understand most of what is being said!  I just nod and smile…trying to look intelligent!)

I must confess…I hate being in the fog where everybody else knows what is going on, but I don’t have a clue!  I hate it even more, when I’m in the fog about my own life and feel stuck in concrete about how to change anything!!

Anyway…the other day I was strolling through Facebook and saw a video clip that looked interesting and was only short, so thought I’d have a look.  As this lady spoke I could see connections to a course I’d done a couple of years ago.  It was a great course and while I got a lot out of it, I felt like I could have learnt more.  Some others who did it were saying how life-changing it was for them and how they could put so much of it into action.

As I watched this short clip on Facebook, I started to make connections with the course and it was like a whole row of dominoes started to tip over, one after the other!   It was one of these AHA, enlightening moments!   So much so, I watched it again and jotted down some notes.  As soon as it was finished, I even wrote down 8 things that I could do to help myself move forward!

I can’t tell you how liberating that felt (and still does, days later!)  I had felt stuck for several years and had no idea how to get out of that place.  I’d worked hard trying to find a way out, but nothing seemed to gel for me.

So, what changed for me?  I honestly think that I had heard these words in different ways over the past years, but on this day, I was able to hear them with ALL OF ME.  Not just my mind hearing the words, but my heart was connecting to it as well and I knew wholeheartedly, how I could move forward to change my life.

What a powerful moment.  The great thing is that because I could action what I had heard straight away, I have notes to keep going back to.  When the feelings of helplessness or being stuck rise again, as from past history I’m sure they will, I can go back and read these notes and KNOW what I need to do.

If you’re feeling like you’re stuck somewhere, hang on – I certainly had to.  Find help if you need it – I did.  When all of you is ready, heart and mind, you’ll know how to take the first step to move forward in your life.

Have you had this happen to you too?