Do you ever have days where you feel like you’ve been running at full speed all day long?
Lately, I find myself doing that too often. My mind seems to race ahead to what I must get done. Or sometimes I’m thinking about what might happen to me today or even reliving what happened last week! Regardless of which one of these is true, I know I’m not present in the moment at all. I’m thinking about the future, or the past – and it’s exhausting. In this frame of mind by the time I get to the end of the day, my body is ready to collapse on the nearest couch, curl up and go to sleep!
The scary part of all this is when I look back on my day and I can’t even remember some parts of it – like sections of the drive to work! The other day I was going to drop into a store on my way to visiting someone. I headed off in the right direction, but found myself way past the shop and almost to my friend’s place, before remembering what I was going to do! I’d totally forgotten, even though I’d taken a different route to do it! Do you ever experience times like that?
So, how do we live in the present? How do we leave the worries of the past behind and not race ahead to “what might happen” in the future and live in the here and now?
I know for me there are some tell-tale signs that tell me I’m going too fast! Sometimes, I feel a bit out of breath and my stomach is churning because I’m trying to get on top of everything and make sure I’m ready for what’s coming. The big one for me is that my shoulders become tense and end up a lot closer to my ears than they should be!
But this is a sign to me. When I feel that tension, I know I need to stop, physically drop my shoulders and relax. I need to make the choice to relax and focus on here and now. Physically dropping my shoulders and taking a couple of deep breathes is a good start to bringing me back to the present. I know others say to stop, take five deep breathes in and out slowly while focussing on one thing – whether it’s the rise and fall of your chest or your shoulders, just concentrate on one thing.
I find Psychologist, Abraham Maslow’s quote a bit scary:
“The ability to be in the present moment, is a major component of mental wellness”.
I think I might need a few mental health days – or weeks!! What about you? How’s your mental health? It’s not really something we like to talk about, is it? But it’s something we need to do better at. That is, finding ways to communicate what life is really like for us. Some of the problem is that we don’t have a safe environment where we can really share what’s going on internally. There’s nothing worse than opening yourself up to someone and having them treat you differently as a result.
What would it mean for you to open up to someone you trust and share what life’s like for you? Or, even ask a friend or acquaintance, what life is really like for them? It’s scary, isn’t it? You don’t know what they might tell you! But I know on the rare occasions when someone has asked me that question, it’s felt like they’ve given me a special gift. They’ve given me their time; their moment – that they’re willing to listen to me. In that moment, it’s easy to slow down and just be! Can you be a gift for somebody? If you’d rather talk to someone outside your immediate group of friends, reach out to a counsellor. We all need to be heard.
A friend recently said to me: “my life seems to have made a big shift – from caring for my children, to caring for my parents”.
This is another one of those huge life adjustments that we find we have to make from time to time (from child to teenager; teenager to adult; for some, adult to parent, etc.) – often, with little time to make helpful changes. The change from child to carer is a very tricky one, that’s often full of minefields to traverse as parents adjust and children learn how to be “careful” in “caring”!
Like many others, my transition from child to carer was pretty bumpy!! I had a lot to learn! While there had been small things happening for a long time that were pointing to this change, the ultimate transition happened very quickly, when my father broke his hip in his early 80’s. Dad was a pretty remarkable man really. He had a stroke just after he retired at 65, which left him without the use of his right hand and with a significant limp. (Life lesson learnt from this – don’t wait until you retire to do all the things you really want to in life. You never know what may happen to affect this. Dad love playing the flute and was very good at it. With only one hand, playing the flute was impossible and one of the greatest regrets he had with the stroke.)
So, when he broke his hip – he had been acting as carer for my Mum whose memory was getting pretty bad. He was getting her walker out of the boot (one-handed) at the time and was blown over by a strong gust of wind. An ambulance took them both to the local hospital emergency department, where I caught up with them. It was obvious Dad was in a lot of pain and needed surgery.
This was just the start. Surgery; recovery, moving to rehab; adjusting back at home and finally accepting that more help might be needed, ultimately resulting in them moving into care.
I won’t bore you with all of the story, but I will share with you a few of the major things that I’ve learnt as a result of it all in the hope that it might help others. Please share in the comments section the things you have learnt – we all need help!
See life from their perspective: throughout everything that has happened over the past few years, I’ve found it very helpful to have my sister and brother remind me at times, what the adjustments have meant for Mum and Dad. I have been the main carer throughout this time until recently, with lots of help from the others, and as such have sometimes been too close to what is happening in the here and now to remember where Mum and Dad have come from.
Can you imagine what it is like to be totally in charge of your life (as much as we ever are) and then to find that you need others to help you in even the little things you do. After Dad’s stroke he worked incredibly hard to gain his independence back. This meant he had to learn how to do everything with only one hand. Not an easy thing to do! Things like tying your shoelaces; opening a can of food; driving (with an aide); Dad even kept on changing the oil in the car until he broke his hip!
At times we need to be their advocate when others aren’t listening: I’ve recently witnessed firsthand the impatience that younger people sometimes have with the elderly – not everyone – some are lovely. But some people get annoyed when older people don’t understand how the system works or need you to repeat something a few times because they can’t hear properly. I find it helpful to remember that, if we’re lucky enough, we’re all going to get older one day soon and I like to treat others as I would like to be treated – with respect and patience.
I get it. Sometimes older people can slow us down, but boy they can teach us a lot about life and the world and how it’s changed.
Caring for the carer: this is a phrase we hear quite a bit these days – care for the carer! It’s true that we need to otherwise we get tired and run down and ultimately don’t give the care we need to. I love my Mum dearly. She’s in her 90’s now and her memory certainly isn’t getting any better. Thankfully, she still knows who her family is. She’s had hearing aids for years but we’ve learnt that a big part of her “hearing” is lip-reading. So when I take her out to give her a change from her room in the nursing home, I’m talking louder than normal, so she can hear (something I find exhausting!) Along with getting her out to the car in her wheel chair and transferring her into the car etc., – it’s quite a process and I feel like I’m running all over the place. She and I are both exhausted by the time she’s back in her room and I’m heading home.
I feel bad that I don’t get her out more often, but physically I can’t and in the long run, there’s no point feeling guilty about it. If I push myself to do more than I physically can, we’re more likely to have accidents or falls.
These are just a few things that I’ve found that I’ve needed to work through. There is so much more that would be good to look at – I think a book is in order! (Or at least another blog or two).
It’s a strange time of life. Our two kids are still at home finishing uni; my parents are in care and need lots of support and yet I still need to work to make ends meet – thankfully, only part-time these days. My mind feels very full, even frazzled at times. I feel like I’m walking in and out of several different worlds depending on where I am in any day – listening to stories going back seventy+ years; trying to keep up with the modern lingo and habits of the younger generation, while also living in the present with my husband and trying to make sense of the happenings of any given day.
It’s no wonder I feel a bit tired! Time for another coffee……
I love my country. (Don’t worry, I’m not about to sing the National Anthem!) Australia is a great place to live and grow up. In many ways, we are a laid back society, that loves nothing more than a good barbecue and a rigorous game of something – whether it be football (Aussie rules for me); cricket, tennis – the list is endless.
As Aussies we’ve certainly made some pretty big mistakes. We haven’t always done the best for our indigenous brothers and sisters – in fact far from it. We’ve turned people away from our shores who have needed our help, or, maybe even worse, we’ve “detained” them in some not so pleasant places, while we check them out (a process that seems to last a very long time).
Yet, on the other hand, as Aussies, we’ve always been willing to get involved and fight for what is right. This can be seen in times of war or drought, where Australians wholeheartedly gave of ourselves, sometimes leading to the ultimate sacrifice of life.
A number of things confuse me about Australia as I write this post, but my main concern is the way we seem to give away what is ours, because it might offend those of a different nationality that now call Australia home. Somehow we think we have to give up our traditions and beliefs so we don’t bring about tensions with others.
Where I work, I come into contact with a lovely lady who I think is originally from Iran. Australia is home, but her family’s traditions, beliefs, etc. come from their homeland. I remember asking her a few months back, without thinking, how her Christmas was. She said they don’t observe Christmas, but they really enjoyed the holiday and spent it as family time together. It wasn’t a big deal. I don’t think I started an international conflict by not thinking whether Christmas would be a part of her life or not. It was two people connecting together and as a result, I learnt something about her and her background. She respected me and I her. We can, and do, live together.
It was only when our family went over to Europe for six months that I realized how different Australia actually is. Every country in Europe is bordered by other nations. They have to work out how to live closely together. Obviously, this has caused some major difficulties and even wars in the past. But it’s a part of their everyday life to be living so close to other nationalities.
Whereas, Australia is an island. Our border doesn’t connect with other nations. So, when people from other nationalities come to live here, we have to learn who they are and work out what it means to live side by side.
Isn’t this true in every part of our life, though? It’s not just when we relate to others from different nationalities that we need to think about who we’re relating to and what is helpful. It’s those we come in contact with in our everyday lives, too. When we relate to other Aussies, we often start with our “ritualistic greeting” – “G’day, how ya goin?” (Or how are you, for the more cultured amongst us). This greeting, which seems so trivial, gives us the opportunity to check out the other person and get a feeling for where they are at. If we get more than “not bad thanks, mate” back, we almost tune out, because it’s not part of the ritual. We haven’t got to the point of deciding whether or not we really want to connect on a deeper level with this person, let alone how we might go about that yet.
I’d like to suggest that there are things that would be good for us all to remember so that we can live well with others; whether it be our neighbours, our families, our workmates or those we encounter along the way.
Listen – to understand what their life is like. How do we really know what life is like for each other? I remember one time watching someone of a different nationality order food and struggle to make themselves understood. As they tried to order, it was obvious they didn’t speak much English; that the café worker was feeling hassled and didn’t have the time to try and understand. Having lived overseas for six months, I knew the isolation and frustration that comes when you understand very little of the language and struggle to be understood. (The one phrase I felt confident in saying was asking for a cup of coffee – there’s only so much coffee one person can have!!) It’s extremely frustrating to try to make yourself understood when someone is wanting to listen and understand, let alone when they can’t be bothered to even try!
This isn’t just in relation to people from overseas. Often those who are younger or older than us need to be listened to so that they are understood. Life has changed so quickly over the past fifty+ years. My experience of life will be totally different to a younger person today.
But as I listen and try to understand what life is like for someone else, I open myself up to seeing life from their perspective. It doesn’t mean that I have to let go of my own view, but I can let myself see life through their eyes and imagine what it feels like.
Share – Reveal a little of ourselves – why we do things the way we do. This needs to be done with respect and care so that the other person has the chance to hear clearly what is being said. Sometimes in sharing, we realize that there are things that aren’t as important as we first thought; and sometimes it’s the opposite – we realize how significant certain things are! Many people have come to our shores to escape war, torture and poverty and they arrive with literally nothing except what they are wearing. As we listen first, we can see how to share – and sometimes it’s not only with words; it’s in practical ways as well.
Work out together what we need to understand and possibly create boundaries that might help harmonious relationships and a healthy community life to develop. Ensure there is enough space and safety (acceptance) for each person to share ideas and comment on each suggestion.
Recycle – Once we’ve gone through the first three steps, the reality is we’ll probably need to go back to the beginning and work through them again…and again…and again!
I know this might seem like a lot of work, but I don’t know of anything that is more worthwhile and satisfying.
At one level, it sounds simple, doesn’t it? Listen, share and work things out together. But I wonder how many conflicts on a personal, national or international level may have been averted if the time and commitment had been given to work through these 4 steps: Committing ourselves to first listen so that we understand; sharing so that we will be understood and working together to create a healthy community life.
What a privilege we have to be involved in each other’s lives. It’s incredibly important work. We don’t need to wait until we meet somebody new, I’m sure we can start this process with people we live with every day, right now.
One of the most enjoyable, yet hardest times of life, is when you land back at home with a newborn baby. I loved mine like mad, but they sure were exhausting!!
A week after having my first child, I ended up back in hospital when my blood pressure went through the roof. I'm very thankful for my Obstetrician who knew enough about me from the previous nine months, to know that the high blood pressure was due to stress – thanks to a typical type A personality!! Sure he ran a few tests to make sure it wasn't anything else, but he knew all along that I wasn't coping with this little baby that didn't fit into my routine.(more…)
Every so often life has a habit of throwing us a curve ball. This could be in the shape of a prolonged illness; the death of someone close; losing a job; the end of a relationship; the list goes on and on.
Often at these times we resort to “survival mode” – we do whatever has to be done in the moment and just try to keep putting one foot in front of the other to survive. It's normal.
But what happens next? How do you move forward when there's been a lot of changes in your life and you're not even sure which way is forward anymore? It's not a simple process and please don't hear me saying that it is. Butsomehow we need to work out how to respond to life in these situations and make the most of this life we have, whatever shape we're in.
Twenty years ago I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I had no idea what it was, but at the time, I was just relieved to have a name for it. I had been living with debilitating fatigue for about a year, most days I ended up spending in bed, which wasn't easy as I had a baby and a 3 yo at home at the time. I remember the Pain Specialist that I saw after being diagnosed saying to me, “The good news is you won't die from it, the bad news is that there's no cure”. I was pretty relieved to hear the first part! The latter part didn't sink in until later.
Life has changed and I have learned to live with this illness – although in all honesty, I should say I'm still learning to live with this illness. (I was hesitant to even share about my illness, because I know of others so much worse than me.) I wish I could say that there was some simple answer; some easy cure or programme that makes it easier to live with lifes challenges. I've certainly found some great courses that have helped mentally, (I'll share about them another time), but I still find myself trying to answer the question “how do I live with fibromyalgia?”
Recently someone close to me passed away after a five-year battle with motor neurones disease. Tears rise, even as I write this, as I think of the incredible way this person lived with this horrible, debilitating illness. He seemed to accept his illness, while not giving in to it. As the disease progressed and he was more incapacitated, he learned to adapt to this new limitation and seemingly not let it get him down. (These weren't little things of course. I'm talking about losing the use of your legs; having to have food through a stomach tube, instead of enjoying the flavour in your mouth – something he loved greatly!!)
Don't get me wrong. He was human. I'm sure he struggled and at times you could see it in his eyes, but that wasn't all there was to him. He didn't lose who he was to the mnd, even though it destroyed his body. Even when he couldn't speak anymore, he would greet everyone with a warm, glowing smile. You could see him in that smile, even when his body didn't look the same.
We all have this same capacity to choose how we will respond to our circumstances. Often, we don't feel like we have a choice. “How can I possibly smile when my body is aching?” Or “How can I keep on going to work or being civil to people when I've lost someone close to me?” Of course, we need to allow ourselves to go through grief and adjustment- it will take time. But know that there is still a life for you to live.
I recently saw the movie “Me Before You”. (Spoiler alert if you haven't seen it!!) It was so lovely to see how this bubbly, often inept, young woman helped the young quadriplegic man to smile and enter into life again. But I felt so sad that he couldn't find a way to continue living. He wanted life to be what it was before his accident and wouldn't adapt to his current situation.
At one level I understand – who wants to be completely paralyzed. But at another, this life is what we have. We've been given this time and this moment. At times, life does ask us to adapt and we will often need other's help to do this, but that's okay. We were never meant to live this life in isolation. We need each other to live life to the fullest we can – whatever our circumstances.
Never doubt that even when all we have left to give is a smile, the impact of that smile on others can literally change lives. If you can smile, and in that smile, connect with me, with all that life has thrown at you, then I know that I can face with dignity and hope, whatever life challenges me with. I know that I have something to offer others whatever shape I'm in.
Have you ever dreamed of being greater than you currently are? Someone that others look up to and notice whenever you walk in the room? Someone that leaps buildings in a single bound or wins the heart of a Prince? Okay, maybe the last ones are more like a fantasy than a dream, but you get the idea.
Over the past five years I have longed to do something greater with my life. To be someone better than I currently am. Someone that gives more to others and achieves something big. But every time I think about how to move forward, it’s like my feet are locked in cement and I can’t move anywhere.
Usually, there are one of three things stops me from moving forward. I wonder if they stop you too and how you would overcome them?
The past.
Never underestimate the power of feelings or thoughts from your past. They will stop you like nothing else can.
Have you ever said these words to yourself: “This feels familiar? I’ve been here before”. Or maybe you’ve had an experience, like me, where the rug you’re standing on has been pulled out from under you? And while you’re flat on your back, you wonder, “How did I get here again!”
Something I’ve learnt the hard way, is that more often than not, it’s me that’s pulling the rug out from under myself! I know that sounds really stupid, but I can assure you it’s true. Sometimes old feelings of uncertainty or fear rise and stop me dead in my tracks and if I’m not really careful, they do trip me up and take me back to other times when I haven’t done so well. (What might happen if I do this? Will I get laughed at again, or told I’m stupid to even consider doing this? Will I end up making an even bigger fool of myself than I have in the past?)
Our feelings don’t always tell us the truth about ourselves. Sure there are times when we get afraid and its right to be. If you’re standing in a dark alley at 2 am and hear footsteps coming your way. It’s a good thing to let your “fight or flight” instincts kick into gear as you look around you. Or maybe you’re walking through a forest and come face to face with a snake dangling down from one of the trees. These are times when it is right to be intensely alert and ready to run or act defensively. But there are other times when those feelings of fear or foreboding arise and we need to stop and check whether or not we need to listen to them! Can you really trust these feelings? Or do they come from a time when you were younger and not as mature?
I know that might sound strange to some of you, but let me explain further. For some people, the feelings of excitement and expectation can quickly overwhelm them and they end up backing off from what they were about to do. In an instant the feelings move from positive expectations to fear, trepidation and uncertainty. If we listen to those feelings, we’re not going to get where we want to.
We need to learn to stop and identify the feelings and ask ourselves, “is what I’m feeling valid?” or “are these feelings coming from the past?”
Sometimes we need to get somebody else’s perspective…someone we trust, who will be honest with us about what’s happening. Often they can see more clearly what is going on because they’re not overwhelmed with a multitude of feelings.
Once we can see the feelings for what they are, we can choose what happens next. We don’t have to stay stuck in the cement!
Another thing that stops us is…
Not having clear goals
Have you ever heard someone say “I just want to do something” but it soon becomes clear that they have no idea what that something is? You can almost guarantee that they won’t get anywhere because they don’t have a goal to move towards.
There's a quote I heard when I did some training that still haunts me today.
“Those that don't have goals end up working for those that do”. Isn't that true?
Without goals we end up following someone else's direction, or worse, we just go around in circles – quite literally.
So, we need to make sure we have clear steps to move forward. Even if we don’t have that final destination confirmed, we will need to have some of the steps clear to be able to move at all. For example: I’ve wanted to start a small business for some time now. The only problem is, I didn’t really know what business I wanted to do. I had a few crazy ideas, but I soon saw they wouldn’t be realistic and looked for other directions. It became clear I needed to do some brainstorming and ask myself some questions about what I enjoy doing and what I could see myself doing in the future, etc. Slowly, but surely, a picture of what I could do started to emerge and I’m in the process of starting that business today. But it took me much ages to get to this point. As in point one, if I'd asked for help from others to see what was stopping me and how unrealistic my first few ideas were, I might not have taken as long as I did to get started.
Not having realistic expectations can pull us up in our tracks quickly.
The third thing that might stop us moving forward is reaching for the stars, when the moon is actually more realistic – to start with anyway.
This is a tricky one because sometimes we do have to think big and reach for the stars – but then we need to work out what is possible. I recently read the story about a young man in Malawi who built a windmill and was able to provide electricity and water for his whole community that was severely struggling from the effects of drought. How did he do it? By reading library books and using whatever materials he could find. In reading the books, he could see how it could be done and set about achieving his goal by using what he found lying around.
So what are realistic expectations? It really depends on what you are wanting to do. Again, you may need others help in seeing what is realistic – or finding other ways of going about getting resources or moving forward. Sometimes you need to be patient. It may take a bit longer than you had hoped, but making sure that you take all the necessary steps means that you are much more likely to reach your goal.
Don’t let the past stop you from doing what you really want to do. Set yourself some clear, realistic steps to reach your goal and don’t be afraid to ask for help from others who are better planners than you – they can often assist you in seeing the best path to take.
So, where would you like to see yourself in a year from now? What will it take you to get there?
