Is it almost impossible to get your family together anymore?  Let alone try to communicate with each other and have any sort of family life!  Or is your battle to get your kids, or partner, to do anything around the house?

Life is so incredibly busy these days that family life gets put on the back burner!  There’s always someone needing to go to sports training, while someone else is at music lessons (insert your child’s activities!).

Add to that the things that you are trying to do as well during the week and it’s no wonder your head starts spinning trying to keep up with everyone – and that’s just the immediate family!

When it comes to trying to find a “suitable” time to get together, it feels like we’re trying to do a jigsaw puzzle with some very odd-shaped pieces!

The easiest and most effective way that we’ve found to make sure there are times that we all get together is to “create regular events” that all the family know about and need to be a part of.

It’s a given in our house, that you can always come and negotiate.  If there’s a clash with something important or if you need to get out of wash-up or cooking; the onus is on you to negotiate a swap.

We’ve always felt that negotiating is a good tool for our kids to have in their tool kit.  They know it doesn’t mean an automatic “free pass”.  They need to come and discuss what’s happening for them and see if it’s appropriate to miss out on a family get together, etc.

It might sound like all we ever do is negotiate, but in fact, the truth is different.  The times I’ve been most annoyed with this process, has been with myself, when I haven’t been clear enough about what we’re doing, why and what everybody’s role is.  When that is clear, everyone knows their part and the significance of it.

One of the best things we did was to establish certain “traditions” or “norms” within our family so that we stay in touch with each other and ensure that one person doesn’t get left with doing all the work!  This is of course, is relative to the kids ages and their ability to do things, but we found our kids mostly, enjoyed the responsibility of having their jobs to do.  (They all go through stages where “everything is a drag” – but persevere and you’ll all reap the rewards).

There were some days when one of the kids might not be having a great time!  Instead of letting them have a pass on their job, I’d sometimes just come and work alongside of them – making sure that I didn’t take over.  I’d sometimes ask them “would it be good if I did ….?” – I don’t think they ever said no!  But by asking, I was respecting them as the one responsible for doing the job but offering to lend a hand.

This often turned into a great opportunity to ask a gentle question or two about how they’re going.  If there was something specific happening for them, I’d ask while we worked together and give them the space to answer when, and if, they were ready.  This way it wasn’t a big deal and it often surprised me how they would open up once they got started talking!

Investing in our kids and family life in this way has proven to be invaluable and even though it was “work” to get it all set up, it’s been worth every minute of it!!

Are you overloaded at work?  Do you always end up doing the “dirty jobs” that nobody else wants to do?  Is your personal space respected by others – or do you keep pushing people away from you because they get too close?

Maybe you have trouble setting personal boundaries for yourself.

There is one movie that my husband loves to watch, but I refuse to sit through anymore.  (There might be more than one!!) In this movie, he laughs the whole way through, while I sit and cringe, getting more and more frustrated as it goes on.  (It’s called What About Bob? starring Bill Murray – it’s really a good movie to illustrate personal space and boundaries!)  The first time I watched it, I found it amusing, but whenever I’ve watched it since, it has driven me crazy.

Why?  Because Bob doesn’t have any personal boundaries and it frustrates the life out of me!

Bob is one of those people who doesn’t understand that others might need boundaries or space and is constantly invading his therapist’s family life and personal space.

So, what are personal boundaries, you may be asking yourself?

Personal boundaries are the boundaries that we set around ourselves, physically, emotionally and mentally to help us survive and feel safe in our environment. 

It’s important that we know and set personal boundaries for ourselves so that we can feel safe and not allow others to abuse or even manipulate us.

So, what are your personal boundaries?

For example, how do you feel when people come and stand very close to you?  Invariably, I take a step back from them, because I feel like they’ve invaded my space.  (Have you heard the story of two people that were talking at a party and they literally moved backwards around the edge of the entire room – which wasn’t small – while they were talking, because one of them would keep on getting too close to the other and they would invariably take a step or two backwards away from them!  On and on it went!)

Are you like that?  If you’re not, that’s fine.  But for most people, they have an area of space around them, that they don’t want others to come into, unless they have allowed that to happen (e.g. a welcome hug or kiss).  This area around a person can be larger for some people and smaller for others.

If I don’t watch for the clues and become aware of this personal boundary for you, we are never going to have a very comfortable relationship.  Why?  Because every time you come and stand too close to me (according to my personal boundaries) I feel uncomfortable and want to move away from you.  This will be the focus of what I’m feeling anytime I see you, not what you’re saying or trying to convey.

This is a simple illustration of a personal boundary and in the next blog, I’ll expand on a few more.

But for now, here’s a list of some personal boundaries that you might like to think about:

• To have a set time at night that you will stop checking your phone for text messages or emails;
• To not receive personal messages/calls at work
• To set a boundary around how much “extra work” you will take home with you. Obviously, some jobs, like teaching, expect this, and compensate with more holidays, etc.  But other jobs just have an expectation that you will keep on doing more and more.  Are you happy with this?
• To have a boundary about not gossiping about other people.
• I have a boundary so that when I need to decide about something and I don’t feel comfortable or certain about it, I tell the person that I would like to think about it and let them know tomorrow. (This way I don’t feel pressured into things I don’t want to do!)

These are just a few boundaries that can be very helpful in everyday living.

How do you go at setting your own personal boundaries?

Here’s a few helpful articles to look at:  http://www.oprah.com/spirit/begin-to-set-personal-boundaries_1

https://uhs.berkeley.edu/sites/default/files/relationships_personal_boundaries.pdf

Are you someone who enjoys helping others?  If you are – do you know how to help yourself?  

It sounds like a bit of a crazy question doesn’t it?  If we can help others, surely, we can help ourselves.  But too often that’s an incorrect assumption to make.  Often, it’s a lot easier to help others than it is to help ourselves.

We are living in a time when mental health needs to be a focus. Beyond Blue, an Australian, independent, non-profit organisation that works to address issues like depression, anxiety etc, has estimated that 45% of people will experience mental health issues in their lifetime.  These aren’t quick things to resolve or work through.  They have often built up over time and will take even more time to overcome.

If depression, anxiety and mental health disorders are more common, the need for people to be able to help others will keep on growing.  These conditions can be very debilitating, and people need a lot of support.

I’ve always been someone who loves helping.  I enjoy being able to do this.  I’ve often been recognised for helping others – which means it has met a need within me.  But, I also must admit, that it has been easier for me to push my own needs to the side, so that I can keep on doing what I’m doing – helping others!

On the outside, most people wouldn’t even recognise what I was feeling internally, which isn’t a very good place to be.  I was too good at hiding my stress, exhaustion and frustration.  Does this ring true for anyone else?

There is always a time where we need to keep things inside – sometimes it’s not appropriate to let everyone see what’s happening internally.  BUT, we cannot, WE MUST NOT, turn this into a lifestyle.  If we do, it’s not long before we’re burnt out, facing the same conditions we often try to help others with.

We need to make time to de-brief ourselves.  To talk about what we are feeling.

The first step to helping ourselves is to see what is happening within us:

• Tuning in to when we are physically or mentally tired;
• Noticing as stress rises;
• Recognising when we are overly emotional,
• Seeing when we’re cranky with loved ones, etc.

Each of us have different “clues” or “behaviours” that we give ourselves to let us know when something is happening internally.  It can take us longer for us to pick up on these clues when we’re busy and tired and often others close to us can see them sooner than we can!  (The irony in this, is we’re doing this in helping others!)

Secondly, we need to find ways to appropriately let out what has built up within us: 

• Speak to someone who can help us debrief;
• take time off to catch up on sleep;
• take long walks to help us relax;
• spend time with friends and family who won’t ask anything of us.

I’m sure you can draw up your own list of things that help you de-stress.

Why is it that we are so quick to help others and suggest these things to them, but often can’t give ourselves permission to do the same?

Finally, below are a few things that I’ve found helpful to ensure that I don’t get burnt out helping others.  I’d love to hear what works for you – please comment or email me with them.  They might be helpful for someone else!

• Make an appointment each week in your diary for exercise;
• Set up a time each week/fortnight/month (whatever you need) to debrief with someone. This needs to be someone who is able to keep things confidential, but will be honest about what they see in you – whether you’re looking tired, etc.  It isn’t a time to talk about others you’re helping – but how you are going.
• Make sure you have something fun in your life every week. Something that doesn’t require you to have all the answers but helps you to relax and forget about all the things you’ve been dealing with for others.
• Set aside regular time to connect with your family and close friends. We all need people around us and often those who are closest can be those we neglect the most – to our detriment.

We need to help ourselves, so that we are fit and ready to help others.  This doesn’t just apply to counsellors or social workers.  This is for all of us that find ourselves helping others, because that’s what we do!

When was the last time you had a day off just for you?  A day where you relaxed, had fun, de-stressed, even spoiled yourself a bit and felt refreshed at the end of it!

Well you’ve landed on the ultimate guide to ensure you get the most out of your day off.

We’re all different, so some of us might not need to take every step that’s suggested in the guide below.  Not a problem.  Just skip over that step and move onto the next one!

Why do we need a guide for a day off, you may ask?  Well, let’s be honest.  How many of you have said you’ll have a day off, but never got around to it?  There’s lots of reasons or excuses why!  Something else came up; you couldn’t decide what to do; someone dropped in and stayed for the day; there was too much housework/chores to get done; on and on the list goes.

If you’re anything like me I find days off challenging, especially when I haven’t planned anything.  I have a free day in front of me and, often I get to the end of it feeling frustrated because I’ve wasted the day!  I don’t feel relaxed, satisfied or peaceful.  Why, because I can’t get over the feeling that “there’s something I should be doing”.

Well, the something I should be doing, is having a day off!   I’ve learned that as I plan for my day off, I’m more prepared for it.

There are lots of reasons why having a day off is good for you:

• It helps you to unwind from the busy-ness of life and de-stress.  (Have a look at this article from Harvard Medical School about needing to de-stress:  <https://www.health.harvard.edu/heart-health/5-ways-to-de-stress-and-help-your-heart> )
• You feel refreshed and energised after a day off.
• You can be more productive after a day off.
• It gives you time to finally do some of the things you’d really love to do, when you had some time…
• You can catch up on some sleep!

These are just a few reasons why a day off is good for you.

So where do you start planning your day off:

1. Set aside a day. This can be easier said than done, but it is worth the effort of choosing a day and sticking to it.  Don’t let anything change your day off – (if something urgent comes up, then make sure you book another day straight away).  Put it in your diary/planner/calendar or write it up clearly on some paper and stick it on your fridge!  This is your day off!  If you’re sharing this day off with someone else, or with your family, make sure they stick to it too! If you’re wanting to set aside a regular day off, then set that in your planner and let people know about it too!

2. Decide what you want your day off to be. Is it going to be a relaxing day or a day where you get out and explore? Work out how much of your day you want to have planned out with things to do and how much time you want to “chill out” reading, or watching a movie, etc.  If you are sharing your day off with your family, maybe plan to have a few hours where everyone does their own thing at home before doing things together.

3. Do any research into things you want to do. If you want to go and wander around a market or check out some new shops or wineries, find out what times they’re open and how best to get there.  Maybe there’s a movie you’d love to see at the theatre – check out which theatre you’d like to go to and what session times are best.

4. Are there some things you need for your day off? If you’re planning a picnic or day at the beach, you may want to get the food as a part of your weekly shopping or pick up some of the fresh food the day before you go.  If you’re having a day of pampering, maybe you need to pick up a couple of facial masks to put on, or some supplies for a scrummy breakfast you can take back to bed for you.  Or you might need to pick up the latest book from your favourite best-selling author, that you’ve been looking forward to reading.

5. You’re almost there. The night before, check that you’re all set.  If any last-minute changes need to be made, that’s okay, just adjust things.  You can still have a great day – even if the weather changes your plan!!

6. Enjoy your day off. Take a deep breathe and enjoy each part of your day off.  Stop and smile.  Remember, you deserve this day off and it will help you in lots of ways.  You’ll feel more relaxed and have some more energy!

It may seem like a lot of work to get ready for a day off, but the truth is, the more you get into the rhythm of planning for it, the easier it is.

It is important for us all to have a day off each week, if we can plan it.  You’ll soon see the benefits from it and be able to face the rest of your week a lot more.

Why not try it and see?

How do you respond when somebody asks you how you are? Do you answer honestly and tell people the truth about yourself – physically and emotionally?  Or do you just turn on automatic response mode and say, “I’m fine”?

There are lots of rituals around greetings that sometimes we only become aware of “in the moment”.

In Australia, it’s a part of our greeting to say “G’day, how are ya?” – or other similar versions!   We ask a question, but to be honest, we really don’t expect an in-depth response – in fact, you’ll put most of us to sleep if you tell us in more than two words how you really are!  It’s not that we’re being rude – well, most of the time, anyway – it’s just that we use that greeting of g’day to get a sense of the person we’re talking to.   Aussies will ask again if they really want to know how you are!

For some of us, we don’t have many opportunities to share how we’re going.  It’s strange, isn’t it?  Often, we’re surrounded by people, but we can’t share what’s going on for us.  There’s lots of reasons why we don’t:

• we might not feel safe enough to share;
• we’re not sure that others will listen;
• we’re so busy doing other things we don’t talk about our own lives – on and on the list, goes.

Somewhere we need to find someone who will listen; someone who will care about what is happening for us and will give us the space we need to share a little of our world.  Without this, we can become very isolated and lonely; we can allow our feelings to overtake us and end up depressed.

Okay, so why am I going on about this seemingly little question?  Because I believe it can change lives.  Let me show you what I mean.

Have you ever had a lousy day – you know the sort I mean – where you’re feeling down, lonely, frustrated…; and then someone asks you how you’re going and after just a few minutes of sharing a little bit of yourself (and it only takes a little), you feel like a completely different person?  You end up feeling content and okay with where you are.  That’s a dramatic change, don’t you think?  From one-minute feeling depressed and lonely, to the next feeling positive and cared for.

This has happened to me on numerous occasions.  I’m one of those “feelings” people.  Feelings can easily trip me up and rule my life if I let them.  I’m very conscious of what’s going on inside of me and this can lead me down a spiral of despair if I let it.  Sometimes, I can be spiralling down this pathway without even realizing it.

But all that it takes to stop this free fall is having one person connect with me.  One person who wants to see me and listen; ask how I am and really want to know.  Straight away, I’m drawn outside of myself to answer the question.  I need to look at myself to find the answer and as I do that another part of me comes alive.  It’s the part of me that can see clearly and help disperse the fog I’ve been living in!

I wonder how many people’s lives would be turned around if we made the time to stop and try to connect – even for a short time.  Sure, there’s a risk in asking.  I don’t deny that.  Some people will just tell us to “get lost” in no uncertain terms.  But that’s their problem.  Their defences are so strong, they don’t want anybody getting near them.  But it’s worth the risk of being rejected, to help our friends and family know they are seen and ultimately, that they’re okay!   I don’t say that lightly.  I know it can hurt to be rejected, but aren’t those around us important enough to us that we risk that feeling of hurt?

You never know… by allowing someone a little of your time and giving them the space to explore themselves, you are giving a precious gift that just might save their life!