How long has it been since you have felt like someone has listened to you? Not just heard the words and been quick to respond. But has heard and seen you behind your words.
You’re one of the lucky ones if you’ve experienced this recently. Maybe another question I could ask is, how often have you experienced someone really listening to you?
I love knowing that someone is wanting to do the work of listening to me. It is work though, isn’t it? It’s so easy for us to want to interrupt when someone is speaking and share our own stories, or to say why we agree or disagree with what they’re saying. Sure, there’s a time and place for that kind of discussion. But how can I really know what’s going or for you, or vice versa, if I don’t give my time and space to hear your world. This is the work I’m talking about. I know for me, this often means biting my tongue (quite literally!!) and not interrupting!
I recently put two words in my search engine online – listening & definition and I was surprized by the responses:
The Collins Dictionary states, “Listening definition: the act of concentrating on hearing something.” https://www.collinsdictionary.com
The online Oxford Dictionary states the “Definition of listening skills – the ability to pay attention to and effectively interpret what other people are saying.” https://en.oxforddictionaries.com
The business dictionary says the “Definition of active listening: The act of mindfully hearing and attempting to comprehend the meaning of words spoken by another in a conversation or speech.” (www.businessdictionary.com)
I find it fascinating that out of these three definitions, only the Collins Dictionary states what just listening is – hearing a sound! The Oxford gives the definition of “listening skills” and the Business Dictionary tells us what “active listening” is. All these things are quite true, but the last two seem to assume that there is more to listening that just hearing a sound – it is a skill and it is something we can do actively or passively!! (Although if you try and do it passively – without any real engagement – listen to what the actress Raquel Welch once said “You can’t fake listening. It shows.” If an actress can’t fake listening, maybe it’s also obvious to the other person when you or I aren’t really listening!)
When I hear a sound in the middle of the night, I can assure you that I will be listening acutely to see if I can work out what it is!! If I’m at a party and someone starts telling me about their golfing swing or the latest move on a computer game I’ve never heard of, I’ll have to actively work to try and understand what on earth they are talking about! If they start talking about the latest movie that I’ve also seen, it will be hard for me to keep my mouth shut and not take over the conversation! But if someone starts to share something deeply personal, like how their struggling over the death of someone close, or they don’t know what’s wrong with themselves, then I want to be ready to actively listen. This doesn’t mean having all the answers, but to give that person my time and space to listen to their world. A quote I saw just recently sums this up: “Listening is often the only thing needed to help someone”.
If this quote is true, why do we find it so hard to “just” listen? There are probably lots of answers to that question: we’ve forgotten how to or never learned in the first place; we’re so busy in our lives that we don’t have the time to stop and listen to somebody; our own inner worlds are racing around and we can’t find a way to stop all the voices in our heads so we can hear someone else. If you’re someone who finds it hard to listen to others, ask yourself why that is. Maybe you need someone to take the time to listen to you.
It’s fascinating, isn’t it, that the two words LISTEN and SILENT are made up of the same letters!