LETTING GO

What are you like at letting go?

It seems that all through our lives we are forever “letting go” of things, people, places, dreams, and the list goes on and on.  I must confess that I don’t find letting go easy.  Do you?

When our kids were younger, I felt like I was forever having to “let go” of something in their lives, so they could take the next steps and move on.

Being a parent really is about helping these little babies you’ve been entrusted with, grow away from you and become healthy, independent people.

Now, let’s be honest here.  That isn’t always simple!!  This little baby that you brought into the world and fed; kept clean (sometimes!); tried to put to sleep an endless number of times (despite them having other ideas!); etc. – this little baby grows up and, doesn’t need you!  At least you know you’ve done your job well if they’ve become independent human beings.  But it sucks!  Well, for a while, anyway – until we can adjust to the new stage of their development and the changes it brings in our relationship with them.

They can be sad moments when we look back and see what turned out to be the last time we did things:  the last time I fed them; or took them to kindergarten, playgroup, primary school, etc. – the list goes on and on.  It’s normal to grieve a little, but we, like them, must learn to let go and move on.

But it doesn’t stop with children, does it?  There are times we need to say goodbye to people and “let them go” away from us.  Sometimes our friends, or relatives move away, and we won’t see them nearly as often as we used to.

How we respond to this change can significantly affect our ongoing relationship with them.

If we can acknowledge the grief that comes with the change, but still accept the situation and try and find a new footing for the relationship, it can still be a special one.

I love it when I get together with someone I haven’t seen in years and we can just pick up with where we left off and go on from there.  There isn’t any “emotional baggage” to have to try and work through because we didn’t handle their leaving very well.  We can greet each other like the friends we are and connect as we always have.

At other times we need to let go of people permanently.  When a loved one; parent; friend or someone close to us passes away, we have to let go of the relationship we had with them.  The grief can be overwhelming – depending on the situation.  It’s coming up to three years since my Dad passed away.  His passing wasn’t completely unexpected, but it was difficult for lots of reasons.  This type of letting go is painful because it’s so permanent.  How we handle someone close to us dying is going to be important because if we don’t handle it well, it can affect us for years to come.

Please don’t hear me saying that this is simple, it isn’t at all and sometimes the suddenness of it or the cruelty of their passing can add to the distressing nature of it.  What I am saying though, is that we can choose to work through the situation in a healthy way or we can allow ourselves to be stuck in, what feels like a never-ending cycle of emotion.

I was walking through the shops today and saw a man who reminded me of my Dad.  Straight away a wave of grief washed over me.  It’s what we do next that is important.  In that moment, I was able to say to myself, “I miss you, Dad”.  A deep sigh rose up inside and I smiled, remembering who he was to me and my family.  I then moved on.

Can I encourage you when you are facing a time of “letting go” to work on these 3 things?

1. NAME THE FEELING THAT RISES WITHIN YOU. Often there’s a feeling that rises within us, even before we’re aware of anything else.  Is it grief, anger, frustration, powerlessness, ……?  Find a word that describes the feeling you have.  Sometimes you might even need to use a couple because one word just doesn’t do it!  Name it.  Say it to yourself or write it down.

2. SAY THE WORDS THAT YOU WANT TO SAY. Sometimes it’s not easy to find the words.  For me, it was saying “I miss you, Dad”.  Depending on your situation it might be:
   1. I don’t want you to go
   2. I’m angry that you’re leaving me.
   3. I don’t want you to grow up so quickly!!
   4. I love you and want you to stay with me.

On and on the list, could go.  Just try and find the words that say what you’re feeling.

3. REMEMBER WHO THEY WERE TO YOU BEFORE THE CHANGE AND, WHERE APPROPRIATE, WHO THEY ARE NOW. Instead of just staying in that emotion, remember a time when you were together, enjoying what you were doing.  Isn’t that how you’d like to remember someone that’s passed away – as you were together in the good times?  If it’s someone that’s moved or changed, do the same thing – remember a special time you had together and allow that to be your focus.

As we’re able to do this, there’s a much greater chance that we can “pick up where we left of” the next time we’re together or move on with our own lives.  Each situation can be different.

I encourage you if you’re stuck and can’t seem to move forward, seek some help.  Find a counsellor you can talk to.  You might find you’re able to move forward more easily and quickly if you do.