Are you someone who enjoys helping others? If you are – do you know how to help yourself?
It sounds like a bit of a crazy question doesn’t it? If we can help others, surely, we can help ourselves. But too often that’s an incorrect assumption to make. Often, it’s a lot easier to help others than it is to help ourselves.
We are living in a time when mental health needs to be a focus. Beyond Blue, an Australian, independent, non-profit organisation that works to address issues like depression, anxiety etc, has estimated that 45% of people will experience mental health issues in their lifetime. These aren’t quick things to resolve or work through. They have often built up over time and will take even more time to overcome.
If depression, anxiety and mental health disorders are more common, the need for people to be able to help others will keep on growing. These conditions can be very debilitating, and people need a lot of support.
I’ve always been someone who loves helping. I enjoy being able to do this. I’ve often been recognised for helping others – which means it has met a need within me. But, I also must admit, that it has been easier for me to push my own needs to the side, so that I can keep on doing what I’m doing – helping others!
On the outside, most people wouldn’t even recognise what I was feeling internally, which isn’t a very good place to be. I was too good at hiding my stress, exhaustion and frustration. Does this ring true for anyone else?
There is always a time where we need to keep things inside – sometimes it’s not appropriate to let everyone see what’s happening internally. BUT, we cannot, WE MUST NOT, turn this into a lifestyle. If we do, it’s not long before we’re burnt out, facing the same conditions we often try to help others with.
We need to make time to de-brief ourselves. To talk about what we are feeling.
The first step to helping ourselves is to see what is happening within us:
- Tuning in to when we are physically or mentally tired;
- Noticing as stress rises;
- Recognising when we are overly emotional,
- Seeing when we’re cranky with loved ones, etc.
Each of us have different “clues” or “behaviours” that we give ourselves to let us know when something is happening internally. It can take us longer for us to pick up on these clues when we’re busy and tired and often others close to us can see them sooner than we can! (The irony in this, is we’re doing this in helping others!)
Secondly, we need to find ways to appropriately let out what has built up within us:
- Speak to someone who can help us debrief;
- take time off to catch up on sleep;
- take long walks to help us relax;
- spend time with friends and family who won’t ask anything of us.
I’m sure you can draw up your own list of things that help you de-stress.
Why is it that we are so quick to help others and suggest these things to them, but often can’t give ourselves permission to do the same?
Finally, below are a few things that I’ve found helpful to ensure that I don’t get burnt out helping others. I’d love to hear what works for you – please comment or email me with them. They might be helpful for someone else!
- Make an appointment each week in your diary for exercise;
- Set up a time each week/fortnight/month (whatever you need) to debrief with someone. This needs to be someone who is able to keep things confidential, but will be honest about what they see in you – whether you’re looking tired, etc. It isn’t a time to talk about others you’re helping – but how you are going.
- Make sure you have something fun in your life every week. Something that doesn’t require you to have all the answers but helps you to relax and forget about all the things you’ve been dealing with for others.
- Set aside regular time to connect with your family and close friends. We all need people around us and often those who are closest can be those we neglect the most – to our detriment.
We need to help ourselves, so that we are fit and ready to help others. This doesn’t just apply to counsellors or social workers. This is for all of us that find ourselves helping others, because that’s what we do!