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DO YOUR EMOTIONS CONTROL YOU? Here are 5 steps to help you move forward…

DO YOUR EMOTIONS CONTROL YOU? Here are 5 steps to help you move forward…

by | Jun 24, 2020 | Improving Your Life, Living with Fibromyalgia

Do you have days that don’t go to plan because your emotions take over and lead you in another direction?

Are there days slip away in a haze of feelings?

Do you feel helpless to do anything about your emotions?

We all have days where nothing goes to plan:

  • We start working on something but get lost on the way.

  • Being uncertain about how to move forward, emotions take control.

  • Messages from the past start to flow through our mind – “you’re hopeless, you can’t do this”, “you’ll always be stuck right where you are”.

  • We are well and truly “stuck” in the quicksand of our feelings.

Does any of the above ring true for you?  It may not be every day, but it happens more than you would like. 

Looking back, I can see many, many days that were hi-jacked by my feelings.  Some days I couldn’t see through the haze of emotion & felt powerless to know how to move forward.  On other days, the feelings came and went but I was aware that they were still “bubbling away” under the surface There can be many reasons why this happens, and we are going to explore some of them here.  But before we do, here is an important note and a couple of “do nots” to remember: If you feel depressed – if your feelings are mostly negative and they regularly overwhelm you, please seek help straight away.  There are many phone counselling services you can call 24/7  (check online) – or see your Doctor asap.  Do not wait.  Seek help now. 

DON’T: …always push your feelings down, plant a smile on your face and go on – every day.  To be honest, there will be days that we need to do this – to push through in spite of the emotions.  The reason I say not to do this all the time, is that at some point the feelings will build up and up and up until they “explode” out of you!  It isn’t pretty when this happens!  It sounds overly dramatic, but it happens if we don’t understand our emotions.  We may yell at someone who has done nothing wrong!  Or we may start crying in the middle of a meeting / class for no obvious reason. 

Someone once described it to me in this way – imagine a rubbish bin.  You are stuffing your emotions in the bin “to deal with another time” or just to get rid of them.  If you keep on doing this, without seeking any help the bin gets to the point that the rubbish just keeps on pouring out of the top because there is too much stuffed into it.  We need to seek help to work through what the emotions are about and what they are telling us.  It is nothing to be ashamed of.  We all need help at some time through our lives. While occasionally, we do need to push through the emotions, it is not healthy for this to become a lifestyle.  Seek help from a Counsellor, Doctor, or good friend who you know listens well, etc.  Any of these can help you to name the emotions and work out how to deal with them. 

DON’T … ignore your feelings. On the surface, this may look the same as point 1 – stuffing down our emotions.  But this one can be even worse.  We don’t even acknowledge the existence of our emotions.  We just straight out ignore them. 

At least when we stuff our emotions down, we are dealing with them – even if it is unhealthy!  When you ignore your feelings, you’re not even owning that they exist in the first place.  You just turn your back on what’s going on internally for you.

There can be numerous reasons why people ignore their emotions:

  • We can be afraid of the intensity of our feelings and feel safer to ignore them.
  • We don’t know how to deal with them.
  • Maybe we don’t have the time or energy to work out our feelings. Life is too full of other things to deal with.

You can probably think of a few more reasons why you find yourself doing this. 

We are body, soul, and spirit.  Our feelings can and do tell us about ourselves, and, at some point we are going to have to acknowledge and understand them.   If we don’t do this, then it will affect our lives. 

Being someone who lives with fibromyalgia, I have many days that are affected by physical limitations – aching limbs, fatigue or brain fog are the main culprits.  These bring their own challenges. 

But they also bring a range of feelings that I face each day. 

  • Frustration
  • Sadness
  • Apathy
  • Anger
  • … just to name a few.

Here are five things that I find helpful to manage my feelings each day and move forward in my life:

  1. At the start of each day try and acknowledge “what is on top” – i.e. to name any feelings and what thoughts might be going around and around in my head.

Journaling has been a wonderful tool to help me to do this.  Naming and owning my thoughts and feelings; and just getting them out of my head and on to paper is invaluable to me. 

I have a mini-training to get you started on Journaling that is available for free until the end of June (after that it’s $9USD).  If you are interested just press the following link:  https://loving-this-life.teachable.com/p/journaling

  1. Try to have a clear plan of how to start your day. Waking up and facing the day is often the hardest time for me.  Lots of feelings and thoughts seem to crowd in on me at this time.  So, the night before, or even at the beginning of each week, I map out what I am going to do at the start of each day. 

This needs to have noticeably clear steps for me to follow. 

  • Get up
  • Shower
  • Make Coffee
  • Read and journal
  • Start the list for today.
  • etc.

The first one is always the hardest!  Just get started!  Move.  Get out of bed.  Once I do this, I tend to roll through the next few steps. 

Instead of having my day hijacked, I can focus on the next step I need to take and the more I do this, the more I feel like I have accomplished something, which is very satisfying!

  1. Regularly catch up with a Counsellor or someone you trust and can talk to. I cannot stress enough how helpful it is to have someone I can make an appointment with, who isn’t a part of my circle of friends, etc, that I can work through what is happening in my life. 

It can take a couple of tries to find the right person, but it is worth the effort.  Life is difficult and, at times, asks a lot from us.  We need to have a safe person that we know will listen and help us to work through how to keep moving forward, or even tell us when we need to stop and rest. 

  1. Take a day off. I can get into such a rhythm with the first two steps, that I just keep on working, or keep busy, because that is the easiest thing to do. 

 But I cannot stress how important it is to have a day off, where I don’t expect as much of myself. 

To be honest, often I still have the first few steps of my day off planned out because I have learned I need to do this so that my feelings don’t control the day.  But it is different to the normal start of my day.  It looks like this:

  • Get up and make a cup of coffee
  • Go back to bed and read or listen to a podcast
  • Get up whenever I feel like & get dressed, etc.
  • Do some fun things that I’ve planned – which may include
    • Watching a movie, or tv show (I try and decide what to watch before my day off – or I spend the day trying to find something!)
    • Reading – usually a latest fiction novel
    • Going for a walk
    • Going out for a coffee
    • Catching up with a friend
    • Trying a new activity, craft, etc.

All and any of these things help me to relax. 

  1. Own the emotion. There are still days when feelings rise and need to be managed.  If I have been living as I’ve stated above, then they don’t seem to be as intense or overwhelming.

 I have had to learn over the past years to do the following when emotions rise:

  • Name and acknowledge what it is. This can be harder than it sounds at times.  Am I angry, annoyed, frustrated, hurt, etc.?  Do your best to name it and to acknowledge that this is how you are feeling at present.
  • Think about what you need to do with the emotion. This may sound strange to some.  You may ask – what can I do about what I am feeling?  Well, if you are caring for yourself and regularly care for yourself by managing your feeling as outlined above, it is easier to say something like the following to yourself: 

“I’m feeling …….  I am okay.  I am aware that …. this happened that probably triggered the feeling – or I don’t know what triggered it.  But I know I’m okay and I can choose how I respond to the feelings.”

Now obviously, if you are not okay, you need to do something about it as soon as you can.  (i.e. ask for help.)”

“As a result, I’m going to do ………..”  Name the next step or two you are going to take.  This may be to call your counsellor; or, tell yourself that while you can’t think about it right now, you will spend time later in the day to work out what the feelings are about;  or give yourself some time straight away to work through it and then move on a step at a time. 

It’s time to take responsibility for your emotions and how they are impacting your life.  Where will you begin?  

 

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FIBROMYALGIA & FOOD ALLERGIES – 4 HELPFUL THINGS

FIBROMYALGIA & FOOD ALLERGIES – 4 HELPFUL THINGS

by | Dec 15, 2019 | Living with Fibromyalgia

Fibromyalgia & Food.  I must confess, that this is one blog I didn’t really want to write!  Why? Because it’s something I’ve always battled with.  I LOVE FOOD and when you love something you don’t generally want to give it up!

But there is another side to the story that tells us that food – the type; quantity and flavour, impacts our bodies and when it comes down to it, we need to work out what helps our bodies and what doesn’t.

My Story:

I developed food allergies in my teens, although I wouldn’t have been surprized if I’d had them before then.  I started out with the Skin Prick tests which are still used to work out what allergies you might have.

To start with, they draw lots of dots up your arm and then prick your arm with a drop of the allergen they are testing for.  I can remember having at least half a dozen of these at a time.  If at the site of the needle prick you come up with a red welt you are showing sensitivity to the allergen.   My most sensitive ones were to do with cats, various grasses and dust mite.  Not fun – the site becomes red, swells up and can be very itchy!

When I first started out with testing, I discovered early that I had a sensitivity to wheat.  So, I started to limit the amount of wheat in my diet.  Let me tell you there are a lot more products now that are wheat free, than there were 20+ years ago.  The one alternative for bread was to use rye.  I did this, until I discovered months later that I had a higher sensitivity to rye than to wheat.

I say all of this, not to frustrate, but to alert you to the fact that working out what foods might be causing a flare up of Fibromyalgia or with one or more of your chronic illnesses, isn’t always a simple process.   You will need some patience to work it through.

To help you in this process below are 4 things to remember that may help you as you work out what foods affect you:

1.  Find out what foods have helpful characteristics in relation to your fibromyalgia / chronic illness. For example, if you live with a lot of pain, what foods have anti-inflammatory characteristics that may help you.   For example:

  • Berries
  • Broccoli
  • Avocadoes
  • Green tea etc.

I receive daily emails from a fantastic site called Healthline.  It looks at everything related food & diet and seems to be up to date with the latest research etc.  I encourage you to check out this article on foods with anti-inflammatory benefits and even sign up for their newsletter if you’re interested.  Healthline 13 anti-inflammatory foods

2.  Do your own Detective work: Take notice of the effect that different foods have on you.  This can be tricky as we eat a variety of foods every day.  But after a while you get an idea when something is upsetting your stomach, giving you an itchy mouth or causing some other reaction. 

  • Some people find it helpful to keep a food diary and take note of any symptoms that arise.
  • Eliminating foods from your diet for a while can help you to see if the problem goes, or, if it’s still there, it’s time to look at something else.
  • Check out your family history. Is there history of food allergies, or sensitivities?   
We are complex beings and it can take time to work out what is best for you.  We alone are able to see when symptoms flare up or when things have settled down.  But sometimes we just need to focus on this whole area so that we can put the bigger picture together. 

3.  Ask for Help: Depending on what your symptoms are and how urgent the situation is for you; it may be time to turn to your Doctor to work out the next steps.  (Don’t put off doing this if you have severe reactions to foods, etc. – other things may be happening.)  Doctors can do initial blood tests to check for certain allergies, but they may also refer you to a Specialist to get more help. 

It’s helpful to give your Doctor as clear a picture as you can of your symptoms, so that they can find the best person to help. 

You may also want to ask your Doctor about any natural therapies or people who work in this field that they know has had considerable success.  Often Doctors are aware from the results of their other patients as to how much success they have had.

4. Be patient: This can sometimes be a long process and patience is often needed to see it through.  Giving up halfway through isn’t a helpful strategy unless you find that something, or someone, is no help at all. 

Another thing that I’ve found is that my symptoms can change over time – which adds another challenge to life!  What used to be a major problem, doesn’t seem to affect you so much.  Or things that you used to eat regularly have started to affect you. 

Sometimes, we have just had too much of something and our system says STOP!  Enough!  After a period of deleting this from your diet, you may well be able to introduce it back slowly without any side-effects.  It may be best to do this under medical supervision.

I’m not medically trained, and I can only speak from my own experience.  If you have any severe symptoms, then don’t delay – go and see your Doctor to work out what is happening – it may not even be food related. 

Developing a good relationship with your Doctor is always helpful and worth putting effort in to. 

Putting energy into ensuring that our bodies are receiving the best foods and liquids for optimum health, is something worthy of our time.  Keeping up with the latest research is helpful and where I find the Healthline website/emails so helpful. 

Ultimately, it’s up to us to care for our bodies.  We can reach out to others to help, but we need to allow for the time and resources needed to ensure that we are on top of what our bodies need to function well. 

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Fibromyalgia – what does the brain have to do with it?

Fibromyalgia – what does the brain have to do with it?

by | Nov 21, 2019 | Living with Fibromyalgia

Anybody who lives with Fibromyalgia or any chronic illness, will tell you one of the most debilitating symptoms is living with pain.  For some it is a constant in their daily lives; for others it comes and goes. 

Fibromyalgia increases the brains sensitivity to pain and causes inflammation of the brain – more so than in other people.  Any Fibromyalgia sufferer will tell you that there are certain areas of their body which are very sensitive to pressure.  It causes a lot of pain when these areas are touched. 

I will never forget the first time my Doctor touched the tender points on my body to try and diagnose Fibromyalgia.  (A common diagnosis tool is to check the number of tender points – 18 possible sites which are very sensitive to touch.  I think I had 13 of the 18 points that when touched, I felt like I would hit the roof – they were so painful.)   At the time I couldn’t believe the sensitivity of those areas.  It’s no surprize that I don’t like having a massage!

Most Fibromyalgia sufferers will have a similar story to tell.

Living with pain:

Once diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, we need to work out how to live with pain.  Along with a diagnosis often sufferers are told that the symptoms we now live with, will be present the rest of our lives. 

I was once told by a Pain Specialist that it was helpful to think of a continuum, with pain down one end and fatigue at the other end.  Fibromyalgia patients can place themselves somewhere on the continuum.  I experience more fatigue than pain therefore I’m further down the fatigue end of the continuum.  It doesn’t mean that I don’t have pain, but I find the fatigue more overwhelming than the pain. 

Learning how to live with pain is a huge challenge.  Knowing the pain will never completely disappear and that you’ll never know exactly when it will strike or how long it will last doesn’t make life simple.  

Every Fibromyalgia sufferer/fighter/warrior – or whatever name they have for themselves, has to find a way to manage the pain that comes will it. 

There’s a Buddhist proverb that says:

“Pain is inevitable.  Suffering is optional.”  

At first glance, this proverb seems to be making light of pain.  But when you think about it, it’s true.  We can allow the pain to lead us into suffering or, we can learn to live with pain and find a way to have fulfilling lives. 

I love this quote by Robert Gary Lee:

“Wisdom is nothing more than healed pain.”

When we can start to understand our pain, it starts to lose its hold on us. 

I’m not trying to belittle anyone’s pain in saying this.  I never want to do that.  But there is a line of thinking in the current research that says the more we can understand our pain, the less it hurts. 

This is where the link between the brain comes in…  

The brain is such a fascinating, complex part of our body.  We are only just starting to understand how it works. 

Several years back I was introduced to a training process called the “Lightening Process” developed by Phil Parker.  On their website, it says:

“The Lightning Process is designed to teach people skills to improve their health and wellbeing by looking at how the brain and body influence each other, and how we can use this information and skills to make radical changes in our lives.”

As a result of participating in the Lightning Process, I discovered new ways of understanding my Fibromyalgia.  I also developed new skills to break some of the old ways I responded to my pain and fatigue.  It has been life changing for me and yet I have a lot more to learn!

It was a very helpful process and it seems to be backed up by research more and more, as new studies are conducted in the connections between the brain and body.

So, what does this mean for us now?

Trying to make sense out of the pain that you live with daily, isn’t an easy thing to do.  Most days it’s enough just to survive it. 

But what if there is a different way of looking at the pain you live with, that might help to bring some relief?  Wouldn’t it be worth trying to understand it more? 

Do you have moments like I do, where you notice that when you try different ways of doing things, in spite of your pain, that sometimes you come through it okay. 

The fear of what pain might come or the aftermath of fatigue that is usually there – doesn’t eventuate.  What do you take away from moments like this? 

Sometimes, being open to the possibility that I’m not completely “locked into” the symptoms of Fibromyalgia gives hope for the future.  There are still choices that I can make to improve my life.

The effect of HOPE on the brain has been proven scientifically.  As a result of the endorphins being released, hope can help block pain. 

Please take the time to click on this link and read this story about Dick and Rick Holt.  It will inspire you.  https://www.terrysmall.com/blog/brain-bulletin-47-the-science-of-hope

I’m reminded once again of the quote I mentioned in my last blog (Check out the blog here:  https://loving-this-life.com/2019/11/11/my-chronic-illness-5-things-i-wish-others-knew/ )  by Theodore Roosevelt:

 

“Courage is not having the strength to go on; It is going on when you don’t have the strength.”

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MY CHRONIC ILLNESS: 5 THINGS I WISH OTHERS KNEW

MY CHRONIC ILLNESS: 5 THINGS I WISH OTHERS KNEW

by | Nov 11, 2019 | Living with Fibromyalgia

Do you wish that your family and friends knew more about your chronic illness and how it affects your life? I do!

The truth is, they see the results of chronic illness in my behaviour; through my interactions with them and the emotions that invariably come to the surface.

What they see though, doesn’t show the whole picture of what I’m feeling internally; what I try to hide from others; and the energy spent trying to “push through” and live as normal a life as possible.

5 things that I wish others took the time to understand:

1.  I CAN’T ALWAYS TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT I’M FEELING / MY WORDS DON’T ALWAYS GIVE THE WHOLE PICTURE OF MY CHRONIC ILLNESS: This evening as I was sharing some of my day with my husband, he reflected back to me: “do you know that you’ve said at least six times how very tired you are?”  It wasn’t a criticism; he was just mirroring back to me what he was seeing and hearing.

When I stopped and thought about what I was trying to convey – it was true I was tired, but I was mostly overwhelmed because all afternoon I couldn’t get my head around what I was trying to do.  Each time I thought I had a handle on it, the thoughts would disappear, and I’d find it almost impossible to pick it up again.

It’s called brain fog and it is one of the most annoying and debilitating symptoms of my Fibromyalgia.  I found this article helpful to describe brain fog:  Brain Fog and Fibromyalgia

I find it one of the scariest.  My mother passed away two months ago.  The last eight years of her life were lived with dementia – a truly horrible illness.

When I’m in the midst of brain fog and I can’t hold my thoughts together, I often fear where I’m headed and whether dementia is a part of my future, too.

(This isn’t based on medical research or anything like it, but I’m sure if you’ve experienced brain fog, you’ve possibly wondered, like me, whether you’re losing a part of your mind.)

2.  EVEN THOUGH I CAN’T COME TO LOTS OF PARTIES OR OUTINGS, I STILL APPRECIATE BEING ASKED: It’s a horrible feeling to feel like you’re left out of everything and that people don’t even think about including you in things.  Okay, it may be true, I may not be able to do 90% of activities, and I say “no” more than “yes” when asked, but I do try and work out what I can and can’t do.  Every week is a carefully juggled programme.  For example, if I’m working… I know I can’t go out at night.  Or if I do, that it will wipe me out physically for the next couple of days.  For others this may be different.  You may be able to do more or less than me.  We’re all unique and I’ve learnt to be thankful for what I can do.

3.  I GREATLY APPRECIATE HAVING PEOPLE STAY IN TOUCH THROUGH A VARIETY OF WAYS: I absolutely love receiving gifts from others. It doesn’t have to be an actual present, it could just be a note or a phone call from a friend, saying that they’re thinking of me and go on to share something special about our friendship.  This means the world to me.

It brings a ray of hope into my day…that I haven’t been forgotten even though I’m not physically present at events.

4.  WORDS DON’T EXPRESS WHAT FIBROMYALGIA FEELS LIKE FOR ME: I’ve tried different analogies over the years to explain how it feels to live with Fibromyalgia, but this isn’t easy to do, as each day can be very different.

Some days, I just can’t get moving.  My Fibromyalgia is more about fatigue with muscle aching.  I don’t have the severe pain that others do.  The fatigue is bad enough.

Every day I get up and start with a shower.  By the time I’ve had a shower, got dressed, put my make-up on and done my hair – I am exhausted.  I honestly feel like I could go back to bed.  Oh, and I truly wish, I could wake up one morning feeling just a little bit refreshed from sleep.  But that disappeared a long time ago. 

So, the start of each day isn’t very positive.  I just hope that my body will loosen up a little and start moving without me having to think through every movement.

5.  I DON’T WANT SYMPATHY: I try not to be rude to people who don’t know me, but I really hate sympathy.  It often comes in one or two forms.  “Oh, I’m so sorry.  How ever do you manage?”.  Or “Oh, I knew someone who had…such and such an illness.  They had no end of trouble, etc, etc, etc.”

It really doesn’t help to hear from someone else about others struggles with illness.  I don’t feel like they are present with me and want to hear about my life.  It feels like they just want to “dump” some useful information they know about someone else.

I truly value having others share their own stories with me, that’s not the problem.  In fact, that’s usually a joy and are special moments in time.

But when others are trying to match up symptoms with people, etc, it usually ends up being exhausting as you listen to stories of people you don’t know and who aren’t present.

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. 

I know that often people share these things with the best of intentions – to try and connect, but unfortunately, sympathy doesn’t help.

Empathy is another thing all together.  Having others want to know what life is like and spend time to actively listen to my world, is very precious.

Sometimes, it’s just easier to stay quiet, to listen outwardly, but inwardly withdraw.  It takes energy to keep everything inside, when you long for others to understand.  It also takes a lot of energy to try and share your life with others.

Finally:

Over the years I’ve developed friendships where I can share what is going on for me and this is where I know it’s safe for me to tell them what my life is currently like with Fibromyalgia.  I also enjoy doing the same for them – giving them my space and time to share their world.

These five things that I wish others understood about my life has developed over a long period of time (I’ve had Fibromyalgia for over 20 years.).  You may find this blog helpful: Fibromyalgia – what you need to know! 

Complaining about my life gets me no-where, and that wasn’t my intention here.  I hope that by sharing these things others might be able to articulate what they need in their life to help them move forward.  If we can’t find the words to tell others, we can’t expect them to understand.

Sometimes, when you’re with someone close to you who wants to understand, just starting the conversation about what your world is like, means that together you can discover the words to describe it.  It’s a special gift to have friends who help you find clarity about your own life.  It also takes courage.

There’s a wonderful quote by Theodore Roosevelt that I love.

 “Courage is not having the strength to go on; it is going on when you don’t have the strength”

 

 

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Do You Want to Know the Truth About Your Life?

Do You Want to Know the Truth About Your Life?

by | Jul 3, 2019 | Improving Your Life, Living with Fibromyalgia

I am very thankful that life is so much more than what I expect it to be.

The truth about my life though, is that I often limit it to what I think I can handle in any moment.  My limitations include having a chronic illness which results in fatigue, pain and brain fog.  All good reasons to slow down and take life easy.

But I’m realizing more and more that without these limitations, I probably wouldn’t be where I am right now.   I have to say that I love my life and where it’s headed.  It’s scary, but it’s exciting and life-giving.

What about you?  What is the truth about your life right now?  Are you stuck somewhere, or are you moving forward into a future you want, one step at a time? Wherever you are, remember that you can make choices about your life.  In fact, you are the only one who can.

I have had times in my life when I’ve allowed myself to be frustrated by various limitations that stifle me and stop me from doing what I want to do.  But when I stop and look at the things that are holding me up, they often prove to be opportunities for me to grow and ultimately help me to move into a future that I love.

One of the tools that I find so helpful when I’m in this space, is to read others’ words about life and their perspective on how to live it.  We need to be careful who we listen to, but when you see these words coming from a life that hasn’t been easy; that has had challenges to overcome and yet they’ve encouraged and helped so many people, I know that’s a life I want to understand.

I love these quotes that pop up on Social Media that ask questions about who you are and why you do the things that you do.  They make me stop and think about where I’m headed and where do I want to be down the track. I’ve chosen ten quotes that speak to me.  Take some time to reflect on these words, from some very wise people who have certainly lived a challenging life and yet overcame so much.

TEN QUOTES TO REFLECT ON: 

 

“May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.”  Nelson Mandela

 

 

“Do not judge me by my successes, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again.” Nelson Mandela

 

 

“Spread love everywhere you go.  Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier.”  Mother Teresa.

 

 

“We shall never know all the good that a simple smile can do.”  Mother Teresa

 

 

“If you judge people you have no time to love them.”  Mother Teresa

 

 

“A ship is always safe at shore but that is not what it’s built for.”  Albert Einstein

 

 

“Stay away from negative people.  They have a problem for every solution.”  Albert Einstein

 

 

“Once we accept our limits, we go beyond them.” Albert Einstein

 

 

“When one door closes another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one that has opened for us.” Alexander Graham Bell

 

 

“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” Mahatma Gandhi.

How Can I Set Goals while Living with a Chronic Illness?

How Can I Set Goals while Living with a Chronic Illness?

by | Jun 11, 2019 | Living with Fibromyalgia

Do you live with a chronic illness and struggle to set goals and – actually achieve them. 

Do you get nervous thinking about setting goals and moving forward?  

There can be numerous reasons for this, and it might be very different for you and someone else you know with the same chronic illness.  But what I do know is that a lot of people struggle with this same issue. So, what might be stopping you from setting goals?

  1. HISTORY: in the past you may have failed any time that you have tried to achieve something.  It may have been as simple as going out to a party.  You accepted the invitation, worked towards going, but come time to get ready to go, you were exhausted, your body was aching, and you weren’t up to partying.This can leave a lot of unhelpful residue to push through.  It’s true that we don’t know what any of us will be like on the day we want to do something.  But when you have a history of having to say “no” to things at the last minute because you’re feeling weak and in pain, it puts you off saying “yes” in the first place!
  2. FEELING ON THE EDGE OF THINGS WHEN YOU DO PARTICIPATE: I know for me there have been times when I pushed through and went to a party or something I’d been asked to go to, only to feel like I was on the edge of things.  The noise around me echoed in my head which made it even harder to focus on who I was listening to at the time.  Others who were the “life of the party” were floating around from person to person having a wonderful time, but I could only watch on and wish I just had a little bit of their energy. 
  3. COMPARING MY LIFE TO OTHERS AND COMING UP SHORT: Have you ever wanted to do something and then you see others chasing their dreams and actually achieving them with seemingly endless energy?  How are you left feeling?  I often end up feeling deflated as I watch on from the sidelines, once again. There was hope for a little while that I might be able to achieve something, but then I’ve looked around at others and seen how they’re really living life and making something of themselves.  I’m left feeling like I may as well give up!  I don’t have any of their drive and energy to make things happen, so what’s the point?  (Don’t give up yet though.  We can move forward…)  
  4. FEAR OF FAILING: What if I actually do put all my energy into something and end up being no good at it?  What if I discover that I’m hopeless at it and everyone laughs at me or thinks I’m crazy for trying?   Fear of failing is a huge hurdle for many of us to climb over and let’s be honest, there’s no guarantees about anything.  But the important thing is learning more about yourself in the process.  These four things can have a powerful hold of our lives if we allow them to.  You may even have another point or two to add to the list.  Regardless of our past and of our fears, we can move forward in our lives even while living with a chronic illness.   

Here are 4 steps you can make to start you off on the process of living a life you love. 

  1. The first and most important step you need to work on is being realistic about where you are at in your life right now.

So often, we set ridiculous goals for ourselves out of sheer frustration at being limited in what we can do. But, if you can take a few moments to step back and look at how you are currently and, in the light of this, try to name a few things that you would love to work towards doing, you may find that these goals are achievable for you.  It’s true that these goals may not be the “big, exciting things” that you’ve been wanting to do forever but have always felt out of your reach. 

Can you see though, that if you can achieve these smaller goals, (which are realistic with the limitations of your chronic illness); you will be able to move forward, a step at a time towards other goals?

  1. The second step is to write down your goal and then work your way backwards listing all the steps you need to take to reach your goal.

It doesn’t matter how small the steps seem to be, write them down.  Believe me, you’ll have a lot of enjoyment when you can tick off each step one by one as you complete them.  I often do this by brainstorming and writing everything down on a piece of paper in no particular order.  Then I try to put it into an order and can start to see things that might be missing. You’ve probably come across the acronym SMART in setting your goals.  The acronym stands for:       

Specific (who/what/where/when/why)

Measurable (what measure will you use to know you’ve achieved it?)

Achievable (is it achievable for you at present?)

Relevant (is it relevant to you right now?)

Timely (When will it be achieved?) If you work towards making your goal using these things, you will find it much more achievable.  I found this article helpful in explaining the SMART acronym:  https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/smart-goals.htm So, start small, but with something you would like to achieve and set yourself realistic boundaries around it.  It’s important to be able to complete this and be happy with your results. 

  1. The third step is to undertake each step towards your goal.

As I said previously, enjoy taking the time to tick off each step as you complete it.  You have taken another step to achieving this goal.  Well done!  Don’t downplay the significance of this.  As you can move forward step by step towards this goal, belief can start to rise that maybe you can work towards some other goals too.   If you find that your time frame wasn’t very realistic, that’s okay, re-work it and start moving forward again.  This is a process and it’s not just about reaching your goal.  It’s also about learning to set realistic goals and taking one step at a time to achieve them.  You may find that you’re better at doing some parts of the goal than others.  That’s okay.  You’ve learnt something new about yourself.  Maybe you can ask someone for some help in this area.  Or you can do some research on the internet?  (It’s amazing how many You Tube videos there are on just about every subject!) 

  1. Finally, when you’ve reached your Goal:

It’s time to celebrate!  Well done!  How does it feel knowing that you’ve completed your goal?  Don’t downplay this.  (Sure, it may not have been a huge goal – that wasn’t the point of the exercise.  This is about making sure you do achieve a goal. Can you see how important this is for all of us to achieve?) How did you go achieving your goal?  What are the things that you learnt about yourself in the process?  What are some of the things you want to remember for the next time you work towards a goal? I know this may feel like small steps, but never underestimate the importance of building this foundation slowly and steadily.  What would you like to set as your next goal?  I’d love to hear how you went with this.  Leave a note in the comments section and encourage others to have a go too.