I love my country. (Don’t worry, I’m not about to sing the National Anthem!) Australia is a great place to live and grow up. In many ways, we are a laid back society, that loves nothing more than a good barbecue and a rigorous game of something – whether it be football (Aussie rules for me); cricket, tennis – the list is endless.
As Aussies we’ve certainly made some pretty big mistakes. We haven’t always done the best for our indigenous brothers and sisters – in fact far from it. We’ve turned people away from our shores who have needed our help, or, maybe even worse, we’ve “detained” them in some not so pleasant places, while we check them out (a process that seems to last a very long time).
Yet, on the other hand, as Aussies, we’ve always been willing to get involved and fight for what is right. This can be seen in times of war or drought, where Australians wholeheartedly gave of ourselves, sometimes leading to the ultimate sacrifice of life.
A number of things confuse me about Australia as I write this post, but my main concern is the way we seem to give away what is ours, because it might offend those of a different nationality that now call Australia home. Somehow we think we have to give up our traditions and beliefs so we don’t bring about tensions with others.
Where I work, I come into contact with a lovely lady who I think is originally from Iran. Australia is home, but her family’s traditions, beliefs, etc. come from their homeland. I remember asking her a few months back, without thinking, how her Christmas was. She said they don’t observe Christmas, but they really enjoyed the holiday and spent it as family time together. It wasn’t a big deal. I don’t think I started an international conflict by not thinking whether Christmas would be a part of her life or not. It was two people connecting together and as a result, I learnt something about her and her background. She respected me and I her. We can, and do, live together.
It was only when our family went over to Europe for six months that I realized how different Australia actually is. Every country in Europe is bordered by other nations. They have to work out how to live closely together. Obviously, this has caused some major difficulties and even wars in the past. But it’s a part of their everyday life to be living so close to other nationalities.
Whereas, Australia is an island. Our border doesn’t connect with other nations. So, when people from other nationalities come to live here, we have to learn who they are and work out what it means to live side by side.
Isn’t this true in every part of our life, though? It’s not just when we relate to others from different nationalities that we need to think about who we’re relating to and what is helpful. It’s those we come in contact with in our everyday lives, too. When we relate to other Aussies, we often start with our “ritualistic greeting” – “G’day, how ya goin?” (Or how are you, for the more cultured amongst us). This greeting, which seems so trivial, gives us the opportunity to check out the other person and get a feeling for where they are at. If we get more than “not bad thanks, mate” back, we almost tune out, because it’s not part of the ritual. We haven’t got to the point of deciding whether or not we really want to connect on a deeper level with this person, let alone how we might go about that yet.
I’d like to suggest that there are things that would be good for us all to remember so that we can live well with others; whether it be our neighbours, our families, our workmates or those we encounter along the way.
Listen – to understand what their life is like. How do we really know what life is like for each other? I remember one time watching someone of a different nationality order food and struggle to make themselves understood. As they tried to order, it was obvious they didn’t speak much English; that the café worker was feeling hassled and didn’t have the time to try and understand. Having lived overseas for six months, I knew the isolation and frustration that comes when you understand very little of the language and struggle to be understood. (The one phrase I felt confident in saying was asking for a cup of coffee – there’s only so much coffee one person can have!!) It’s extremely frustrating to try to make yourself understood when someone is wanting to listen and understand, let alone when they can’t be bothered to even try!
This isn’t just in relation to people from overseas. Often those who are younger or older than us need to be listened to so that they are understood. Life has changed so quickly over the past fifty+ years. My experience of life will be totally different to a younger person today.
But as I listen and try to understand what life is like for someone else, I open myself up to seeing life from their perspective. It doesn’t mean that I have to let go of my own view, but I can let myself see life through their eyes and imagine what it feels like.
Share – Reveal a little of ourselves – why we do things the way we do. This needs to be done with respect and care so that the other person has the chance to hear clearly what is being said. Sometimes in sharing, we realize that there are things that aren’t as important as we first thought; and sometimes it’s the opposite – we realize how significant certain things are! Many people have come to our shores to escape war, torture and poverty and they arrive with literally nothing except what they are wearing. As we listen first, we can see how to share – and sometimes it’s not only with words; it’s in practical ways as well.
Work out together what we need to understand and possibly create boundaries that might help harmonious relationships and a healthy community life to develop. Ensure there is enough space and safety (acceptance) for each person to share ideas and comment on each suggestion.
Recycle – Once we’ve gone through the first three steps, the reality is we’ll probably need to go back to the beginning and work through them again…and again…and again!
I know this might seem like a lot of work, but I don’t know of anything that is more worthwhile and satisfying.
At one level, it sounds simple, doesn’t it? Listen, share and work things out together. But I wonder how many conflicts on a personal, national or international level may have been averted if the time and commitment had been given to work through these 4 steps: Committing ourselves to first listen so that we understand; sharing so that we will be understood and working together to create a healthy community life.
What a privilege we have to be involved in each other’s lives. It’s incredibly important work. We don’t need to wait until we meet somebody new, I’m sure we can start this process with people we live with every day, right now.
One of the most enjoyable, yet hardest times of life, is when you land back at home with a newborn baby. I loved mine like mad, but they sure were exhausting!!
A week after having my first child, I ended up back in hospital when my blood pressure went through the roof. I’m very thankful for my Obstetrician who knew enough about me from the previous nine months, to know that the high blood pressure was due to stress – thanks to a typical type A personality!! Sure he ran a few tests to make sure it wasn’t anything else, but he knew all along that I wasn’t coping with this little baby that didn’t fit into my routine.(more…)
Every so often life has a habit of throwing us a curve ball. This could be in the shape of a prolonged illness; the death of someone close; losing a job; the end of a relationship; the list goes on and on.
Often at these times we resort to “survival mode” – we do whatever has to be done in the moment and just try to keep putting one foot in front of the other to survive. It’s normal.
But what happens next? How do you move forward when there’s been a lot of changes in your life and you’re not even sure which way is forward anymore? It’s not a simple process and please don’t hear me saying that it is. Butsomehow we need to work out how to respond to life in these situations and make the most of this life we have, whatever shape we’re in.
Twenty years ago I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I had no idea what it was, but at the time, I was just relieved to have a name for it. I had been living with debilitating fatigue for about a year, most days I ended up spending in bed, which wasn’t easy as I had a baby and a 3 yo at home at the time. I remember the Pain Specialist that I saw after being diagnosed saying to me, “The good news is you won’t die from it, the bad news is that there’s no cure”. I was pretty relieved to hear the first part! The latter part didn’t sink in until later.
Life has changed and I have learned to live with this illness – although in all honesty, I should say I’m still learning to live with this illness. (I was hesitant to even share about my illness, because I know of others so much worse than me.) I wish I could say that there was some simple answer; some easy cure or programme that makes it easier to live with lifes challenges. I’ve certainly found some great courses that have helped mentally, (I’ll share about them another time), but I still find myself trying to answer the question “how do I live with fibromyalgia?”
Recently someone close to me passed away after a five-year battle with motor neurones disease. Tears rise, even as I write this, as I think of the incredible way this person lived with this horrible, debilitating illness. He seemed to accept his illness, while not giving in to it. As the disease progressed and he was more incapacitated, he learned to adapt to this new limitation and seemingly not let it get him down. (These weren’t little things of course. I’m talking about losing the use of your legs; having to have food through a stomach tube, instead of enjoying the flavour in your mouth – something he loved greatly!!)
Don’t get me wrong. He was human. I’m sure he struggled and at times you could see it in his eyes, but that wasn’t all there was to him. He didn’t lose who he was to the mnd, even though it destroyed his body. Even when he couldn’t speak anymore, he would greet everyone with a warm, glowing smile. You could see him in that smile, even when his body didn’t look the same.
We all have this same capacity to choose how we will respond to our circumstances. Often, we don’t feel like we have a choice. “How can I possibly smile when my body is aching?” Or “How can I keep on going to work or being civil to people when I’ve lost someone close to me?” Of course, we need to allow ourselves to go through grief and adjustment- it will take time. But know that there is still a life for you to live.
I recently saw the movie “Me Before You”. (Spoiler alert if you haven’t seen it!!) It was so lovely to see how this bubbly, often inept, young woman helped the young quadriplegic man to smile and enter into life again. But I felt so sad that he couldn’t find a way to continue living. He wanted life to be what it was before his accident and wouldn’t adapt to his current situation.
At one level I understand – who wants to be completely paralyzed. But at another, this life is what we have. We’ve been given this time and this moment. At times, life does ask us to adapt and we will often need other’s help to do this, but that’s okay. We were never meant to live this life in isolation. We need each other to live life to the fullest we can – whatever our circumstances.
Never doubt that even when all we have left to give is a smile, the impact of that smile on others can literally change lives. If you can smile, and in that smile, connect with me, with all that life has thrown at you, then I know that I can face with dignity and hope, whatever life challenges me with. I know that I have something to offer others whatever shape I’m in.
Have you ever dreamed of being greater than you currently are? Someone that others look up to and notice whenever you walk in the room? Someone that leaps buildings in a single bound or wins the heart of a Prince? Okay, maybe the last ones are more like a fantasy than a dream, but you get the idea.
Over the past five years I have longed to do something greater with my life. To be someone better than I currently am. Someone that gives more to others and achieves something big. But every time I think about how to move forward, it’s like my feet are locked in cement and I can’t move anywhere.
Usually, there are one of three things stops me from moving forward. I wonder if they stop you too and how you would overcome them?
The past.
Never underestimate the power of feelings or thoughts from your past. They will stop you like nothing else can.
Have you ever said these words to yourself: “This feels familiar? I’ve been here before”. Or maybe you’ve had an experience, like me, where the rug you’re standing on has been pulled out from under you? And while you’re flat on your back, you wonder, “How did I get here again!”
Something I’ve learnt the hard way, is that more often than not, it’s me that’s pulling the rug out from under myself! I know that sounds really stupid, but I can assure you it’s true. Sometimes old feelings of uncertainty or fear rise and stop me dead in my tracks and if I’m not really careful, they do trip me up and take me back to other times when I haven’t done so well. (What might happen if I do this? Will I get laughed at again, or told I’m stupid to even consider doing this? Will I end up making an even bigger fool of myself than I have in the past?)
Our feelings don’t always tell us the truth about ourselves. Sure there are times when we get afraid and its right to be. If you’re standing in a dark alley at 2 am and hear footsteps coming your way. It’s a good thing to let your “fight or flight” instincts kick into gear as you look around you. Or maybe you’re walking through a forest and come face to face with a snake dangling down from one of the trees. These are times when it is right to be intensely alert and ready to run or act defensively. But there are other times when those feelings of fear or foreboding arise and we need to stop and check whether or not we need to listen to them! Can you really trust these feelings? Or do they come from a time when you were younger and not as mature?
I know that might sound strange to some of you, but let me explain further. For some people, the feelings of excitement and expectation can quickly overwhelm them and they end up backing off from what they were about to do. In an instant the feelings move from positive expectations to fear, trepidation and uncertainty. If we listen to those feelings, we’re not going to get where we want to.
We need to learn to stop and identify the feelings and ask ourselves, “is what I’m feeling valid?” or “are these feelings coming from the past?”
Sometimes we need to get somebody else’s perspective…someone we trust, who will be honest with us about what’s happening. Often they can see more clearly what is going on because they’re not overwhelmed with a multitude of feelings.
Once we can see the feelings for what they are, we can choose what happens next. We don’t have to stay stuck in the cement!
Another thing that stops us is…
Not having clear goals
Have you ever heard someone say “I just want to do something” but it soon becomes clear that they have no idea what that something is? You can almost guarantee that they won’t get anywhere because they don’t have a goal to move towards.
There’s a quote I heard when I did some training that still haunts me today.
“Those that don’t have goals end up working for those that do”. Isn’t that true?
Without goals we end up following someone else’s direction, or worse, we just go around in circles – quite literally.
So, we need to make sure we have clear steps to move forward. Even if we don’t have that final destination confirmed, we will need to have some of the steps clear to be able to move at all. For example: I’ve wanted to start a small business for some time now. The only problem is, I didn’t really know what business I wanted to do. I had a few crazy ideas, but I soon saw they wouldn’t be realistic and looked for other directions. It became clear I needed to do some brainstorming and ask myself some questions about what I enjoy doing and what I could see myself doing in the future, etc. Slowly, but surely, a picture of what I could do started to emerge and I’m in the process of starting that business today. But it took me much ages to get to this point. As in point one, if I’d asked for help from others to see what was stopping me and how unrealistic my first few ideas were, I might not have taken as long as I did to get started.
Not having realistic expectations can pull us up in our tracks quickly.
The third thing that might stop us moving forward is reaching for the stars, when the moon is actually more realistic – to start with anyway.
This is a tricky one because sometimes we do have to think big and reach for the stars – but then we need to work out what is possible. I recently read the story about a young man in Malawi who built a windmill and was able to provide electricity and water for his whole community that was severely struggling from the effects of drought. How did he do it? By reading library books and using whatever materials he could find. In reading the books, he could see how it could be done and set about achieving his goal by using what he found lying around.
So what are realistic expectations? It really depends on what you are wanting to do. Again, you may need others help in seeing what is realistic – or finding other ways of going about getting resources or moving forward. Sometimes you need to be patient. It may take a bit longer than you had hoped, but making sure that you take all the necessary steps means that you are much more likely to reach your goal.
Don’t let the past stop you from doing what you really want to do. Set yourself some clear, realistic steps to reach your goal and don’t be afraid to ask for help from others who are better planners than you – they can often assist you in seeing the best path to take.
So, where would you like to see yourself in a year from now? What will it take you to get there?
Why does anyone need to plan a day off? Surely you just veg out and do nothing!
Well, to be totally honest with you, I find days off can be very challenging, especially when nothing has been planned out. I have a free day in front of me and, more often than not, I get to the end of it feeling frustrated because I’ve wasted the day! I don’t feel relaxed, satisfied or peaceful. Why is that? Why can’t I just enjoy it?
Mostly, it’s because I can’t get over the feeling that “there’s something I should be doing”.
There’s a huge list somewhere in my head of all the things that “I should be doing” – around home or for other people. Or the things I’d love to do “if only I had time”. Invariably, these things pop up in my mind when I think about a day off.
I’ve found I can get past these frustrating feelings by focusing my mind on other things. A good book that grabs me can take my mind off anything; watching the latest episode of a favourite show or catching up on news on Facebook, emails, etc. can help, but over time I’ve learnt the best way to have a day off is to plan it.
“Isn’t a day off supposed to be time where you don’t plan?” I hear you ask. Great question and all credit to you if you can do it. If you’re one of those people who can go with the flow and relax without any structure at all – enjoy it. I envy you.
I know in the long run I need to work on the feelings. To let go of them; acknowledge they’re often from the past and I can’t always trust them. And guess what? I don’t want to live in the past. I want to live in the present. And right now, I need a day off. So I’ll plan to do a few things that will help me to relax – things that are totally different to every other day of the week.
Here’s a few of the things I love to plan to do on my day off:
Enjoy a relaxing brunch out… I love going to a local cafe and having brunch with my husband. Maybe we’ll take a book to read; or talk; or just relax and watch the world around us. Sometimes, I just go out for a cuppa by myself and do the same!
Guilt-free breakfast in bed… Make breakfast and take it back to bed and read a good book. There’s nothing like it. I have a few favourite authors that make reading a gift.
Potter… I love to do a few simple things around home. Usually, its things that have been “bugging me” – that need to be done, but I haven’t had the time! (eg cleaning up my bedside table; getting rid of the pile of papers on the kitchen bench, etc) There’s something satisfying about achieving something on my day off. It doesn’t have to be anything major. Just getting a couple of things out of the way is so pleasing. (Last week I cleaned out 2 shelves of the pantry and I felt great. It felt so good to do something I’ve been wanting to get to for ages! I stopped myself from doing it all though – it is a day off after all. The next couple of shelves can wait until next week!)
Enjoy the outdoors… On a hot summer’s evening, I love to take dinner down by the beach to sit and eat, or, if that’s too hard, just eat it on the back deck.
Watch a DVD… There are so many good movies around. It’s usually not too difficult to find something that suits my mood.
Go browsing… Browse around a shop that interests me. I try not to have anything specific in mind, but just enjoy the diversity and creativity in the store. I can always file away ideas for birthdays or Christmas!
Go for a drive … Drive somewhere that you love. I love driving through the nearby mountain ranges. I tend to do this if someone else is driving as I find driving tiring. But I love being the passenger and sitting back enjoying the scenery.
What would you like to do on your next day off? By just allowing yourself to dream about it for a few minutes you can feel like have a mini vacation in the middle of a busy day!
