…or your body will slow down for you!

Do you ever have days where you feel like you’ve been running at full speed all day long?  You get to the end of the day and wonder where it’s gone!  You haven’t even had time to think about how you might slow down…

Lately, I find myself living like this too often.  Not only am I running around trying to do too many things, but my mind seems to race ahead to what I MUST get done.  Or sometimes I’m thinking about what might happen to me today or even reliving what happened last week!

Basically, I’m not present in the moment at all.  I’m worrying about the future or reflecting on the past – and it’s exhausting!  In this frame of mind by the time I get to the end of the day, I’m ready to collapse on the nearest couch, curl up and go to sleep!  Sometimes, that isn’t simple either with a racing mind…

The scary part of all this is when I look back on my day, I can’t even remember some parts of it – like sections of the drive to work!  Does this happen to you?

So, how do we live in the present?  How do we leave the worries of the past behind and not race ahead to “what might happen” in the future and live in the here and now?

There are some tell-tale signs that show me I’m going too fast – especially in my head!  Sometimes, I feel a bit out of breath and my stomach is churning because I’m trying to get on top of everything mentally and physically.  The tell-tale sign for me is that my shoulders become tense and end up a lot closer to my ears than they should be!

But this sign is extremely helpful!  When I feel that tension, I know I need to stop, physically drop my shoulders and relax.  I need to make the choice to relax and focus on the here and now.  Physically dropping my shoulders and taking a couple of deep breathes is a good start to bringing me back to the present.

I know others say to stop, take five deep breathes in and out slowly while focusing on one thing – whether it’s the rise and fall of your chest or your shoulders, just concentrate on that one thing.

I find Psychologist, Abraham Maslow’s quote a bit scary:

“The ability to be in the present moment, is a major component of mental wellness”.

If this is true, and I think it is, I might need a few mental health days – or weeks!!

What about you?  How’s your mental health?  It’s not really something we’re usually asked, is it?  But it’s vitally important to our overall health – mentally, spiritually and physically.

It doesn’t take long for the body to intervene when we keep on going at a frenetic rate without time for rest.  It will force us to slow down through sickness if we don’t care for ourselves.

Below are a few useful resources that I’ve found helpful when I need to help myself to slow down. (I only ever recommend sites/resources that I have used and loved!)

1. The Elf Help series of books are a wonderful reminder of what’s important. Each book has a series of illustrations and sayings/advice to help.  (There’s even one called “One Day at A Time Therapy”).  They are delightful and always bring a smile to my face and bring me back to the present.  Here’s a link to the home page:  http://www.elf-help.com/index.htm

2. There are several great internet sites that help you with meditation – another great way to bring you back to the here and now. Headspace is one that I’ve used and can recommend.  Check it out at: https://www.headspace.com/

3. As I mentioned in the blog, doing some breathing exercises are helpful.
   • Breathe in slowly through your nose,
   • hold your breath for a couple of seconds and
   • then exhale slowly through your mouth.
   • Repeat a couple of times.

4. Go for a walk and look around at nature. Head out for a walk and make yourself take notice at everything around you – the sounds; trees; flowers; etc.  Connect again with the world around you and allow yourself to walk gently – not racing around.

5. Have reminders on your phone wallpaper that will help you to stop whatever you’re doing and connect with the present moment. (I’m often changing mine to relate to whatever I need to remember to keep me present!)

6. Get the Loving Your Life reminder sheet to help you “Slow Down & Love Your Life Reminders” delivered straight to your email.  It includes a list of things you can do to slow you down.  Just fill in the details below.

What do you do to help you slow down?  Please share in the comments section.  I’d love to add your ideas to our resources.

Is it almost impossible to get your family together anymore?  Let alone try to communicate with each other and have any sort of family life!  Or is your battle to get your kids, or partner, to do anything around the house?

Life is so incredibly busy these days that family life gets put on the back burner!  There’s always someone needing to go to sports training, while someone else is at music lessons (insert your child’s activities!).

Add to that the things that you are trying to do as well during the week and it’s no wonder your head starts spinning trying to keep up with everyone – and that’s just the immediate family!

When it comes to trying to find a “suitable” time to get together, it feels like we’re trying to do a jigsaw puzzle with some very odd-shaped pieces!

The easiest and most effective way that we’ve found to make sure there are times that we all get together is to “create regular events” that all the family know about and need to be a part of.

It’s a given in our house, that you can always come and negotiate.  If there’s a clash with something important or if you need to get out of wash-up or cooking; the onus is on you to negotiate a swap.

We’ve always felt that negotiating is a good tool for our kids to have in their tool kit.  They know it doesn’t mean an automatic “free pass”.  They need to come and discuss what’s happening for them and see if it’s appropriate to miss out on a family get together, etc.

It might sound like all we ever do is negotiate, but in fact, the truth is different.  The times I’ve been most annoyed with this process, has been with myself, when I haven’t been clear enough about what we’re doing, why and what everybody’s role is.  When that is clear, everyone knows their part and the significance of it.

One of the best things we did was to establish certain “traditions” or “norms” within our family so that we stay in touch with each other and ensure that one person doesn’t get left with doing all the work!  This is of course, is relative to the kids ages and their ability to do things, but we found our kids mostly, enjoyed the responsibility of having their jobs to do.  (They all go through stages where “everything is a drag” – but persevere and you’ll all reap the rewards).

There were some days when one of the kids might not be having a great time!  Instead of letting them have a pass on their job, I’d sometimes just come and work alongside of them – making sure that I didn’t take over.  I’d sometimes ask them “would it be good if I did ….?” – I don’t think they ever said no!  But by asking, I was respecting them as the one responsible for doing the job but offering to lend a hand.

This often turned into a great opportunity to ask a gentle question or two about how they’re going.  If there was something specific happening for them, I’d ask while we worked together and give them the space to answer when, and if, they were ready.  This way it wasn’t a big deal and it often surprised me how they would open up once they got started talking!

Investing in our kids and family life in this way has proven to be invaluable and even though it was “work” to get it all set up, it’s been worth every minute of it!!

Are you overloaded at work?  Do you always end up doing the “dirty jobs” that nobody else wants to do?  Is your personal space respected by others – or do you keep pushing people away from you because they get too close?

Maybe you have trouble setting personal boundaries for yourself.

There is one movie that my husband loves to watch, but I refuse to sit through anymore.  (There might be more than one!!) In this movie, he laughs the whole way through, while I sit and cringe, getting more and more frustrated as it goes on.  (It’s called What About Bob? starring Bill Murray – it’s really a good movie to illustrate personal space and boundaries!)  The first time I watched it, I found it amusing, but whenever I’ve watched it since, it has driven me crazy.

Why?  Because Bob doesn’t have any personal boundaries and it frustrates the life out of me!

Bob is one of those people who doesn’t understand that others might need boundaries or space and is constantly invading his therapist’s family life and personal space.

So, what are personal boundaries, you may be asking yourself?

Personal boundaries are the boundaries that we set around ourselves, physically, emotionally and mentally to help us survive and feel safe in our environment. 

It’s important that we know and set personal boundaries for ourselves so that we can feel safe and not allow others to abuse or even manipulate us.

So, what are your personal boundaries?

For example, how do you feel when people come and stand very close to you?  Invariably, I take a step back from them, because I feel like they’ve invaded my space.  (Have you heard the story of two people that were talking at a party and they literally moved backwards around the edge of the entire room – which wasn’t small – while they were talking, because one of them would keep on getting too close to the other and they would invariably take a step or two backwards away from them!  On and on it went!)

Are you like that?  If you’re not, that’s fine.  But for most people, they have an area of space around them, that they don’t want others to come into, unless they have allowed that to happen (e.g. a welcome hug or kiss).  This area around a person can be larger for some people and smaller for others.

If I don’t watch for the clues and become aware of this personal boundary for you, we are never going to have a very comfortable relationship.  Why?  Because every time you come and stand too close to me (according to my personal boundaries) I feel uncomfortable and want to move away from you.  This will be the focus of what I’m feeling anytime I see you, not what you’re saying or trying to convey.

This is a simple illustration of a personal boundary and in the next blog, I’ll expand on a few more.

But for now, here’s a list of some personal boundaries that you might like to think about:

• To have a set time at night that you will stop checking your phone for text messages or emails;
• To not receive personal messages/calls at work
• To set a boundary around how much “extra work” you will take home with you. Obviously, some jobs, like teaching, expect this, and compensate with more holidays, etc.  But other jobs just have an expectation that you will keep on doing more and more.  Are you happy with this?
• To have a boundary about not gossiping about other people.
• I have a boundary so that when I need to decide about something and I don’t feel comfortable or certain about it, I tell the person that I would like to think about it and let them know tomorrow. (This way I don’t feel pressured into things I don’t want to do!)

These are just a few boundaries that can be very helpful in everyday living.

How do you go at setting your own personal boundaries?

Here’s a few helpful articles to look at:  http://www.oprah.com/spirit/begin-to-set-personal-boundaries_1

https://uhs.berkeley.edu/sites/default/files/relationships_personal_boundaries.pdf

Are you someone who enjoys helping others?  If you are – do you know how to help yourself?  

It sounds like a bit of a crazy question doesn’t it?  If we can help others, surely, we can help ourselves.  But too often that’s an incorrect assumption to make.  Often, it’s a lot easier to help others than it is to help ourselves.

We are living in a time when mental health needs to be a focus. Beyond Blue, an Australian, independent, non-profit organisation that works to address issues like depression, anxiety etc, has estimated that 45% of people will experience mental health issues in their lifetime.  These aren’t quick things to resolve or work through.  They have often built up over time and will take even more time to overcome.

If depression, anxiety and mental health disorders are more common, the need for people to be able to help others will keep on growing.  These conditions can be very debilitating, and people need a lot of support.

I’ve always been someone who loves helping.  I enjoy being able to do this.  I’ve often been recognised for helping others – which means it has met a need within me.  But, I also must admit, that it has been easier for me to push my own needs to the side, so that I can keep on doing what I’m doing – helping others!

On the outside, most people wouldn’t even recognise what I was feeling internally, which isn’t a very good place to be.  I was too good at hiding my stress, exhaustion and frustration.  Does this ring true for anyone else?

There is always a time where we need to keep things inside – sometimes it’s not appropriate to let everyone see what’s happening internally.  BUT, we cannot, WE MUST NOT, turn this into a lifestyle.  If we do, it’s not long before we’re burnt out, facing the same conditions we often try to help others with.

We need to make time to de-brief ourselves.  To talk about what we are feeling.

The first step to helping ourselves is to see what is happening within us:

• Tuning in to when we are physically or mentally tired;
• Noticing as stress rises;
• Recognising when we are overly emotional,
• Seeing when we’re cranky with loved ones, etc.

Each of us have different “clues” or “behaviours” that we give ourselves to let us know when something is happening internally.  It can take us longer for us to pick up on these clues when we’re busy and tired and often others close to us can see them sooner than we can!  (The irony in this, is we’re doing this in helping others!)

Secondly, we need to find ways to appropriately let out what has built up within us: 

• Speak to someone who can help us debrief;
• take time off to catch up on sleep;
• take long walks to help us relax;
• spend time with friends and family who won’t ask anything of us.

I’m sure you can draw up your own list of things that help you de-stress.

Why is it that we are so quick to help others and suggest these things to them, but often can’t give ourselves permission to do the same?

Finally, below are a few things that I’ve found helpful to ensure that I don’t get burnt out helping others.  I’d love to hear what works for you – please comment or email me with them.  They might be helpful for someone else!

• Make an appointment each week in your diary for exercise;
• Set up a time each week/fortnight/month (whatever you need) to debrief with someone. This needs to be someone who is able to keep things confidential, but will be honest about what they see in you – whether you’re looking tired, etc.  It isn’t a time to talk about others you’re helping – but how you are going.
• Make sure you have something fun in your life every week. Something that doesn’t require you to have all the answers but helps you to relax and forget about all the things you’ve been dealing with for others.
• Set aside regular time to connect with your family and close friends. We all need people around us and often those who are closest can be those we neglect the most – to our detriment.

We need to help ourselves, so that we are fit and ready to help others.  This doesn’t just apply to counsellors or social workers.  This is for all of us that find ourselves helping others, because that’s what we do!