Are you overloaded at work? Do you always end up doing the “dirty jobs” that nobody else wants to do? Is your personal space respected by others – or do you keep pushing people away from you because they get too close?
Maybe you have trouble setting personal boundaries for yourself.
There is one movie that my husband loves to watch, but I refuse to sit through anymore. (There might be more than one!!) In this movie, he laughs the whole way through, while I sit and cringe, getting more and more frustrated as it goes on. (It’s called What About Bob? starring Bill Murray – it’s really a good movie to illustrate personal space and boundaries!) The first time I watched it, I found it amusing, but whenever I’ve watched it since, it has driven me crazy.
Why? Because Bob doesn’t have any personal boundaries and it frustrates the life out of me!
Bob is one of those people who doesn’t understand that others might need boundaries or space and is constantly invading his therapist’s family life and personal space.
So, what are personal boundaries, you may be asking yourself?
Personal boundaries are the boundaries that we set around ourselves, physically, emotionally and mentally to help us survive and feel safe in our environment.
It’s important that we know and set personal boundaries for ourselves so that we can feel safe and not allow others to abuse or even manipulate us.
So, what are your personal boundaries?
For example, how do you feel when people come and stand very close to you? Invariably, I take a step back from them, because I feel like they’ve invaded my space. (Have you heard the story of two people that were talking at a party and they literally moved backwards around the edge of the entire room – which wasn’t small – while they were talking, because one of them would keep on getting too close to the other and they would invariably take a step or two backwards away from them! On and on it went!)
Are you like that? If you’re not, that’s fine. But for most people, they have an area of space around them, that they don’t want others to come into, unless they have allowed that to happen (e.g. a welcome hug or kiss). This area around a person can be larger for some people and smaller for others.
If I don’t watch for the clues and become aware of this personal boundary for you, we are never going to have a very comfortable relationship. Why? Because every time you come and stand too close to me (according to my personal boundaries) I feel uncomfortable and want to move away from you. This will be the focus of what I’m feeling anytime I see you, not what you’re saying or trying to convey.
This is a simple illustration of a personal boundary and in the next blog, I’ll expand on a few more.
But for now, here’s a list of some personal boundaries that you might like to think about:
- To have a set time at night that you will stop checking your phone for text messages or emails;
- To not receive personal messages/calls at work
- To set a boundary around how much “extra work” you will take home with you. Obviously, some jobs, like teaching, expect this, and compensate with more holidays, etc. But other jobs just have an expectation that you will keep on doing more and more. Are you happy with this?
- To have a boundary about not gossiping about other people.
- I have a boundary so that when I need to decide about something and I don’t feel comfortable or certain about it, I tell the person that I would like to think about it and let them know tomorrow. (This way I don’t feel pressured into things I don’t want to do!)
These are just a few boundaries that can be very helpful in everyday living.
How do you go at setting your own personal boundaries?
Here’s a few helpful articles to look at: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/begin-to-set-personal-boundaries_1
https://uhs.berkeley.edu/sites/default/files/relationships_personal_boundaries.pdf